


This is Not what you're supposed to see (Blue)

by SpookyHarley



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Abuse, Anxiety/Anxiety attacks, BIG FAT TRIGGER WARNING THROUGHOUT, Depression, Emotional Roadshow World Tour, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Past Relationship(s), Self Harm, drumming, elements of implied and almost rape, i think thats it...., self- destructive behavior, smut(eventual), third person perspective
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-23
Updated: 2017-04-28
Packaged: 2018-10-09 17:58:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 14
Words: 37,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10417941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpookyHarley/pseuds/SpookyHarley
Summary: Fictional story of Twenty One Pilots during ERS. Saw them in june and im in love. ive never related to anything more. This work is also on Wattpad under the same username. Anyway, this is a story about an original character that endures some struggles that I am currently going through. Some is exaggerated and only some parts (obviously) are true. original character (Lydia) struggles with depression, anxiety,  mild abuse and some self harm issues so a******** BIG FAT TRIGGER WARNING *******is going on this as these elements are throughout the story. Josh of course is the love interest in question. Starts off platonic and has a slow build as far as the relationship itself goes. He really relates to her and cares for her and is his sweet goofy self. I do hand write this beforehand  so some things may change and as i said, the original character struggles with what i struggle so the story could take any type of turn depending on how im feeling. stories are my coping mechanism. please be safe, stay sick, stay street, and stay alive. |-/





	1. I. I don't want to be Heard (I want to be listened To)

**Author's Note:**

> -i forgot to mention that Lydia is an intern under the supervision of Father John, TOP's playback engineer/ backline tech.

Lydia was finally putting away the last of Josh's drums. it was hours before the show and they had just finished rehearsal.

 

"everything sounded really great Lydia, keep up the good work." Father John said, patting her gently on the shoulder.

 

"Thanks, I will." she replied, tucking her hair behind her ear and stretching.

 

Tyler approached her, flashing his sunshine grin.

 

"Hey Lydia do you want to grab some food with me and the rest of the crew? You've been working really hard so i know you're starving by now."

 

While Tyler wasn't wrong, her body ached and she wanted nothing more than a hot shower.

 

"I could eat a small bear right about now, but my joints are really hurting me so I'm gonna pop some Advil and take a shower. bring me back something?"

 

"Sure, but i expect a tip upon pizza delivery." Tyler said, turning to go.

 

Lydia had other things on her mind, but she mostly just wanted to sing and get it out. Her thoughts were all over the place and she just needed to shut down for a little while.

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

 

(Josh Pov)

 

"Hold on i forgot my wallet!" josh called out, turning and jogging back to the bus.

 

"You're not paying anyway!" Tyler shouted back, watching his best friend get smaller and smaller.

 

He opened the door and made his way to the table where his wallet lay. Josh heard music, very familiar music. Forest. Someone was singing along to it, their voice higher- easy to differentiate from Tyler. It was soft and powerful all at the same time and he was captivated, only to be snapped out of it by the incessant honking from Tyler. Josh grabbed his wallet and turned to exit the bus, a smile on his face.

 

(Lydia pov)

 

Trees. Always trees. Lydia thought to herself, sinking down onto the floor of the tiny shower. Trees always got her in her feelings, which was better than feeling nothing. Prior to the tour, She had dumped her boyfriend of three years and felt indifferent for the most part about everything. It sucked but it had to be done, given the circumstances. Lydia just couldn't love the person he had become and losing the person he used to be was just painful. He had been her first and only, well, everything.... she shook her head, spraying water all over the walls.

 

She couldn't think like that, but her automatic thoughts keep coming back for more; _you will be alone forever. no one will want you, and why would they? you're worthless._ Lydia glanced down at the tops of her thighs and the inside of her upper arms. These were the places that were easily hidden, and no one was going to (or going to want to for that matter)see that much of her anyway. Her mind drifted to her make-up bag, a small blade hidden inside it, begging to come out.

 

No, she thought firmly, I have to keep it together for the boys. Lydia reached up an shut the water off, but stayed for a somber moment or two. Finally, she stood, wrapped herself in a towel, and wiped the mirror. she stared at her reflection, tilting her head this way and that.

"What is so wrong with me?" she whispered aloud. She looked tired, very tired, but hadn't bothered with concealer to try and hide it. Lydia had enough to cover up any way, always wearing pants and sleeves regardless of the heat. She would rather suffer a little than have anyone know just how deep her demons hid.

 


	2. II. Paint Something(it might be wordless)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh finds out that Lydia draws, learns about the ex boyfriend, they go for a run and Lydia saves josh's butt by having gum.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nothing super exciting this chapter, the next ones will have more depth and be longer as well.

Josh  let out a contented sigh. 

"Hey Tyler did Lydia stay behind to shower?" he asked, shifting the pizza box in his lap as they turned into the back entrance of the venue.

"Yeah, why?"

"I heard her singing in the shower. Dude,her vocals are sick.  She was singing  _Forest_ when I went in to grab my wallet." he explained. 

Josh unbuckled his seat belt and got out of the van. Tyler came around to walk beside him, shoving the keys in his pocket. 

"Did you record it? I wanna hear too." Tyler complained.

"No, I didn't . I think she might only sing in the shower though. Lydia is kinda shy."

"Maybe. I guess that makes sense. " Tyler shrugged.

"I'll see you in a bit. I gotta go deliver pizza." he replied, separating from Tyler.

Josh walked around searching for Lydia, but eventually found her siting on the edge of the stage, sketchbook in hand and a pencil on the paper. He leaned over her shoulder watching her sketch out the head of a darkly colored horse. It was so detailed, it almost looked like a photograph.

"That's really good. Is it just a random horse or yours?" Josh asked, taking a seat beside her.

"It's my Big Guy at home. His name's Harley. " she replied quietly, trading the sketchbook for the pizza box.

"You can look through it if you want. That'll be your tip for delivery."Lydia chuckled, biting into the pineapple and extra cheese.

Josh obliged, picking up the sketch pad. There were multiple of the horse and multiple of Tyler and himself.  _Tyler's face with the hanging mic during_   _Heavy Dirty Soul . Himself  playing the drums, biting his lip in concentration. Tyler mid-jump off his piano. Tyler and Josh and Jenna sitting on the couch, all smiles._

_"_ Man,  these are amazing Lydia. _"_ Josh commented, flipping through more. They dissented into darker sketches. One of which caught joshes particular attention- Lydia's self portrait. Her eyes and hair were as red as the blood that ran down her fingers that lay splayed across her cheek and lips. Everything else was black and white. The black around her eyes, her hands, and a band around her throat. All smudged and  _blurry_. 

"I drew that shortly after my boyfriend and I split. After three years. I was so upset- i felt like I lost myself. "

"So he dumped you, huh?" Josh said apologetically, setting her pad down and moving closer to her.

"Nah, I dropped that fuck boy like a hot pop tart."

"Wait, if you dumped him why are you the one that's upset?" He inquired, confused.

"Because of the reason I had to do it. The person i had fallen in love with was just gone. i tried to make it work for about a year, faking it. forcing it, but you can't love someone that's no longer there. He just changed so much. I mean we both did, everyone does but he changed so drastically its like i didn't even know him."

"What changed?"

"He used to be so sweet and caring and he turned selfish. He took me for granted all the time, expecting that I would never have the guts to leave. Lying, drinking, breaking promises. He started to put me down all the time- telling me I'd never get anywhere with my singing or drumming and i started to believe him. He even asked for an open relationship for while I was on tour with you guys. Who fucking does that?"

Tears started running down her cheeks without her consent. She didn't want to cry in front of Josh.Lydia didn't need him feeling sorry for her.

Josh wrapped an arm around her and she laid her head on his shoulder. 

"well, i'm glad you dumped him. You deserve better than that. What a jerk. As for the singing thing, you shouldn't let him get to you. You sing beautifully."

Lydia felt her face flush. "When have I ever sang in front of you Josh?"

"I forgot my wallet earlier and came back on the bus to get it. You were singing in the shower. You've got some sick pipes on you girl. Do you only sing in the shower when you're by yourself?"

She nodded, embarrassed.

"Is it because you feel insecure about it now?"

"yeah. I can't get it out. I haven't done a video for months."

Josh shook his head.

"If i ever see that creep I'll knock his teeth in. What kind of person does that to someone?" he said, irritated.

"I'd love nothing more but I don't think you'll ever run into him."

"True. Tyler wants to hear you sing."

"ummm... i uh... i can't." she replied quietly, her voice lowering.

"I understand. You'll get there, don't worry. Tyler would never say anything negative anyway, just so you know." He reassured her, rubbing her arm. 

Lydia nodded again, looking up at josh with his toothy grin.

He was so relaxing and it made her happy to have him there. 

"You know, if somethings bothering you, you don't have to fake it. Tyler and I are both here and we want your internship to be a good experience. You can't have a good time if you're holding stuff in. It'll just eat you up inside."

"Honestly I'm just tired. Tired of the whole situation. Tired of  everything being difficult and waking up to 25 texts from him. But that's life right? I Just try to ignore him and I am not about to let him ruin my time with you guys. "

"Why don't you just block him?"

"Ugh I don't know. I'm too nice. I dumped him because he was walking all over me and I'm continuing to allow him to do so. All he ever does is guilt me or beg for me back. I just can't take it. However, on the plus side, I haven't drawn or painted in 6 months and this tour is giving me lots of inspiration."

Josh grinned. 

"I'm gonna take a run around the venue to get warmed up for the show if you wanna join me."

"Josh, i just took a shower."

"so take another one." he laughed, standing and pulling Lydia up with him.

"Whatever you say boss."

**> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>** 

"We're just gonna go around once since it's like half a mile and we don't have a ton of time anyway." Josh explained, Watching Lydia as she pulled her hair into a ponytail. He glanced down at her legs, noticing she had a tattoo above her right ankle bone extending up to her calf.

It was a skeleton clique symbol- the face half skull and half alien, lilies blooming from between the banner that read the second line from Truce:  _The Sun Will Rise and We Will Try Again_.

"That's really pretty, I didn't even know you had tattoos. You always wear sleeves and jeans.I didn't think you owned a pair of shorts."

"I have multiple. I have  Portrait of Harley on my lower back. I have Birch trees and lyrics to Trees underneath it on my other leg. " Lydia explained, turning around so he could see and lifting the back of her shirt to see the horse.

"You're gonna have to slow your roll a little. I have short legs Josh."

"I'll try and keep up." He smirked.

"ThreeTwoOneGOOOO!!!!!" Lydia shouted suddenly, taking off at full speed.

Damn she was quick. It took Josh at least 12 seconds to catch up with her.

" _I have small legs_. You're such a liar you just wanted to win!" josh huffed, matching pace with her.

Lydia couldn't help but smile; she hadn't felt this light in a while.

They continued on, jogging at a moderate pace until they neared their starting point.

Josh and Lydia exchanged looks and sprinted off, but inevitably crossing at the same time.

"Guess it was a tie."

"I dunno maybe i won by a- WHOA!" Lydia cried out,scraping across the concrete.

She had been jogging in reverse and she had tripped over her own feet.

"You okay?" Josh asked, kneeling down beside her.

The back of her arm hurt and she could feel blood running down her skin.

"Here let me see." Josh said, moving behind Lydia to inspect her arm.

She was panicking internally, What if Josh saw the cuts on her arm? But if she recoiled before he even touched her, he'd know something was up. Lydia just had to hope that the new cuts masked the self-inflicted ones.

"Well the good news is that its just a bad scrape. The bad news is the sleeve of your shirt is shredded. I think you'll live. " He smiled standing and offering her his hand.

Lydia took it gladly and Josh pulled harder than he had intended, flinging her up against his arm.

God, even after running, Josh smelled good.

**> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>** 

"Crap, I'm out of gum." Josh realized with a sigh. He always Chewed gum while he performed- it helped his nerves. Josh found Tyler doing last minute vocal warm-ups.

"Hey Tyler do you have any gum?"

"No, I Don't. Maybe you should ask Lydia since you're spending so much time with her." He teased, smirking,

"Shut up Tyler." Josh replied, turning to go find Mark and ask  if he had any.

_She was just upset and needed cheering up._ He told himself. Lydia didn't mean anything to him, at least not in a romantic sense, But he couldn't help but think of her. Her hair was long and wavy and midnight blue and her eyes were hauntingly blue-grey, like the sky over the ocean before it storms. Her voice was beautiful, she was hilarious, and her tattoos were rad. He caught himself smiling when she smacked right into her coming around a corner.

"Oh! sorry Josh. Have you seen Tyler? "

"Yeah he's in our dressing room. Hey, do you have any-"

"Gum?" She finished, procuring a pack of double mint from her pocket.

"You're the best."

"I remembered that you said you used the last of yours in Columbus so I picked up a pack in case you forgot." She explained, placing the pack in his hand and heading off to find Tyler.

_Get it together, Dun...._

Lydia found Tyler shortly thereafter.

"Hey Tyler, i just wanted to triple check. You still want the same sound as in rehearsal? No tweaking ,no adding ?"

"Yeah, what we did today in rehearsal was perfect."

"Okay, see you out there. Go kill it.'

"Lydia wait." Tyler said, stopping her as she turned to go.

"Josh is a really good guy. You should give him a chance."

"Tyler, like you just said; Josh is really good guy. He was just trying to make me feel better and get me out of my head. He doesn't see me that way."

"I dunno. He's been fidgety and when I mention you he gets flustered. He only gets that way when he likes someone."

"Well the fidgeting is probably nerves and hes probably just worried about me. Just tell him I'll be fine. "

At that she left, but Tyler had a feeling that she was indeed very far from fine.

Josh returned to the dressing room, embracing his best friend.

"Ready?"

"As long as you're with me, I'm always ready."

The boys parted to take their places at the opposite ends of the stage.

Lydia took her place at the sound board, waiting.

"You're gonna be fine. I'm right here with you if anything goes wrong." Father John said, noticing her fidgeting.

"I know, I know. " she sighed, shaking out her arms to try and get her nerves under control.

The lights dimmed and the intro to Fairly Local began to fill the arena. Tyler jumped out of seemingly nowhere and the show began.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can't Wait to post the next chapter. i have multiple written out. You're more than welcome to leave comments or ask questions <3 Stay sick, Stay Street, Stay safe and Stay Alive |-/


	3. III. If I Lose Myself (Help me Back)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lydia is drawing in her bunk, Tyler is too hype and has a moment where he's a shit (don't worry he apologizes), Josh and Lydia go for a walk and have some deep conversation... and some fluff.

  Lydia shook her head, returning to her sketch pad and putting her headphone back in. She was drawing Josh... again. The guys and the rest of the crew were goofing of on the bus after the concert. Lydia would rather be moving right now since the motion of the bus helped her sleep, but whatever they had stopped for appeared to be taking forever. Josh had left for a shower about ten minutes ago.

"Whoa! that is AWESOME!" Tyler exclaimed, grabbing the pad from her grasp. Her blood boiled. He was so fortunate that her pencil had not been moving on the paper.

"Tyler. Give. It . Back. " she pleaded, jumping down from her bunk to retrieve it. Tyler held it up in the air, knowing full well she could not reach that high, even if she jumped.

"There's an awful lot of me in here and an awful lot of Josh. Sure you don't have a crush on one of us?" he teased, waggling his eyebrows.

Lydia felt her cheeks grow hot with embarrassment and anger; her eyes flooding with tears.It was so frustrating to cry when you were angry, it made you look weak and no one takes you seriously.

Tyler instantly softened and was filled with regret. He had just been playing around and hadn't intended to upset her. He lowered the pad to her level.

"Whoa, whoa Lydia I'm sorry I didn't mean to -"

He was cut off by Lydia taking the pad forcefully.

"I am not upset, I can take a little light teasing . I'm pissed because A) You took my pad without asking and B) What if i had been drawing at the time? You could have messed up the entire sketch."

Tyler hung his head.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking."

"You know what? Save it Tyler." she snapped, placing the pad in her bunk and climbing in afterwards, closing the curtain behind herself. Lydia jacked up the volume on her phone and cried herself quietly to sleep to an instrumental of kitchen sink on repeat.

 

Josh got out of the shower, towel wrapped around his waist. It's only purpose was to cover himself as he was mostly going to air dry, which irritated Tyler to no end. Everyone was quiet, especially Tyler.

"What's wrong guys? I leave for twenty minutes and everyone becomes a Debby-downer? What gives?"

"I upset Lydia. I took her sketchbook and  I was just playing around with her and she got mad. I don't know if she is still pissed or what but I swore I heard her crying. I feel like crap about it and I guess the feeling is contagious." Tyler explained, looking very guilty.

Josh sighed.

"Where is she?"

Tyler pointed to her bunk and Josh nodded.

He turned to go get dressed, as being in wet clothes was better than no clothes at all. He returned and gently pulled the curtain aside. Lydia was asleep, headphones in and tear streaks down her face. Josh removed them carefully and shook her awake.

"Lydia. Hey Lydia, wake up."  He whispered.

She awoke with a start, rubbing her face.

"What's wrong? Did I do something?"

"No, silly. We're going for a walk." Josh replied, smiling.

Lydia grabbed her jacket from beside her pillow and hopped down from her bed. The pair exited through the side door of the bus so she didn't have to walk past anyone.

"I'm sorry Tyler did that. Sometimes we get a little too hype when we're all hanging out and he doesn't always use his brain."

"I know. And I know that he's a good guy and he was just playing and I overreacted. I'm so weak that I cry when I'm pissed or frustrated. It's irritating ; everyone thinks you're upset but really I'm just trying not to kill someone."

Josh Laughed.

"Yeah, I bet. I wouldn't want you mad at me. Never underestimate a short person."

"Hey, you are not that much taller than me  _Joshua_!" she retorted, pushing his shoulder.

"Ugh, only my Mom calls me Joshua."

"Sorry." she grew quiet, staring off ahead of her as they walked.

"so..... why haven't you made a video in months? I get the insecure thing, but if you love drums I can't imagine you going very long without at least playing."

Lydia hung her head back and  sighed, closing her eyes.

"I want to, I just can't. Literally cannot. Ethan made sure of that."

"What do you mean?" 

"I was playing my drums while my Mom was away out of town, so Ethan was staying over. He came back from work, well I guess not straight back from work, and he was drunk as hell. This was the last straw for me. He has a problem and I had tried to be nice about it and get him to get help but I just couldn't take it anymore. I gave him an ultimatum; me or the alcohol. He got angry, more angry than I've ever seen him.  He pushed me off my stool and he started to tear my drums apart. He broke them Josh. I had saved up so much just to get my used set and he destroyed them in minutes. I tried to stop him and he shoved me into the wall, telling me that it was for the best, that I was never going to be good enough on them anyway so I should stop trying." 

"Holy... wow. I can't believe that." Josh said, his lips in a tight line.

"His audacity knows no bounds. He calmed me down and then tried to convince me to have sex with him. I said no multiple times but he wouldn't take no for an answer and go to sleep."

Joshes expression grew dark.

"He didn't .... force himself on you did he?"

"I tried to just go to sleep and hoped he'd just pass out and I'd deal with it in the morning. He kept waking me up on purpose. I got frustrated- I was so tired and all I wanted to do was sleep. So I gave in to shut him up. So no, not technically but he may as well have."

"This guy is fucking horrible. No means no." Josh said, clenching his fists.

"I dumped him the next morning. I don't know why I didn't just kick him out. I mean I cried the entire time and he didn't even notice."

Jeez. Why was is so easy to talk to Josh? She hadn't even told her Mom the whole story.

"Oh my god, this was recent?! You didn't deserve that. You deserve better, you deserve someone who is good to you."

Lydia stopped walking.

" I just make a lot of bad choices I guess. You're supposed to be all broken up over your first. They're supposed to be hard to get over but I am over it. I don't feel upset over it majority of the time. Hell, I don't feel anything unless I really think about it and I don't understand why. I would rather be upset- I would rather feel something than nothing. I think feeling nothing is almost worse." 

She started crying so hard her body shook and there was no point in trying to hide it. 

"What is so wrong with me?" she sobbed, burying her face in her hands.

"Hey, hey. Look at me. Lydia look at me please." Josh whispered, pulling her hands gently away from her face.

"There is nothing wrong with you. It was all him. He screwed up and messed you up. This was not your fault and he couldn't see that you were trying to help him. He couldn't see what a wonderful person  you are. I'm glad you dumped him because you are better than that punk and deserve so much better."

"I don't even know if that's true. I don't know what i deserve because I don't even know who I am anymore. Ethan was a huge part of my life and now that he's just gone I feel empty. I'm basically just existing at this point. Whoever I was before is just gone."

"You cannot define yourself by that jerk. I know you're in there somewhere and I promise you that I'll help you find her.I know who you are, but sometimes we need help to see it ourselves even when others already do. I want you to know that you have that help here if you need it, from me, from Tyler."

 He wrapped her in a hug and Lydia started laughing after a moment, pulling away to wipe her eyes.

"What? Do I suck that bad at support?"

"No, you're great. You're just all wet Josh. I thought it was my tears but its your shirt."

"Yeah, I didn't really take a lot of time to air dry before I got dressed."

"How can you do that? I at bare minimum have to towel dry my hair. It'll be wet for hours is if don't. I have so much of it all the water just gets held in."

"I don't really have that issue." Josh smiled, lifting up some of the damp red strands of his hair.

"Clearly not."

They continued on their walk and Josh's phone vibrated in his pocket.

_Tyler: We're gonna leave soon_

" We gotta head back. What inspired you to drum?" he asked, turning them around to head back to the bus.

"Hmm. Well initially it was because I was angry, like severely angry. My anxiety thinks its fun to come out as severe panic attacks or aggression. It took me forever to figure out that's what it was so for awhile I was just angry for seemingly no reason. I have outlets to channel it into but you can't really ride a horse angry- they pick up on that kind of thing and the entire ride is ruined. I would just get paint everywhere if I tried angry painting so i had to find something else and drumming was an idea but not a reality. My friend and I went to a Skillet concert and that's when I decided 'That's it. That's perfect'.  I could not take my eyes off Jen , she was so captivating and passionate. I saved up, bought a used kit and decided I would just teach myself."

"Yeah, how'd that work out?"

"Irritating. I couldn't get my hands and feet to work together the way I needed them too. I got so frustrated at one point I threw my stick and it got stuck in the dry wall. I just about quit and then I found you and Tyler. I was cleaning the stalls and had Pandora on. Kitchen Sink was what came on and it was so meaningful and the build you do with the drums at the end was the most powerful thing I had ever heard. Not only what Tyler was saying  but  the emotion in your drumming- god i could feel it in my bones Josh. I got right back at it and Kitchen Sink was the first song I learned. "

"I taught myself too, so i totally understand how frustrating that is, but when you finally get that beat that is cohesive, it all clicks."

"Right? Once you finally get there all your doubt is just gone and everything just flows." She agreed,  reaching for the handle of the door to the bus.

"Are you all good now?"

"Yeah, I need to apologize to Tyler though. Hey Josh, can I ask you something?"

"You technically just did but sure."

"Why do you care so much that I'm okay?"

"I just can't stand to see other people around me upset. I've been there. I've dealt with my demons- I'm still dealing with them. My anxiety is up and down and without my drums and Tyler I don't know if I could do it. I mean, there is not anything I'd rather be doing but its petrifying sometimes. "

"I can see why. Performing in front of all those people? I'd probably hyperventilate and die. I'm here for you too,Josh. If you ever need anything. I know I'm not Tyler but i still-"

Josh had embraced her so suddenly, she lost her train of thought.

"Thank you. I feel like I don't want to talk to Tyler lately. He has been so happy and productive and light and I don't want to bring him down, you know? Seeing him and Jenna is great and I'm happy for him, but at the same time it just reminds me that I'm alone."

Crap, Josh was getting deep.

"I mean, I'll lie awake at night and just wonder about the universe. I know there is more out there. There's so many people and I can't find the right one."

Lydia nodded.

"I thought I had and we know how that turned out. It was entirely naive to even bet on the first person- it never works out. "

"Hey, Lydia, can this conversation...."

"What conversation?"

Josh smiled as she turned the handle to the bus.

Tyler stood immediately, his expression sad.

"Lydia I-" He began, but she cut him off.

"Tyler, I'm sorry. I'm just not in a good place mentally right now and I completely over reacted. "

"But I shouldn't have done that. I should know better. I'm sorry too."

Tyler wrapped he in a hug, his 5'10 frame making Lydia basically disappear. 

"You really are short." he giggled.

Lydia smirked, hooking her leg between his.

"Doesn't mean I can't take you Joseph!" she exclaimed, wrapping her leg around the back of his and wrestling him to the floor. Tyler struggled a little, but Lydia held him down.

"TAP OUT! Call it Josh!"

He counted it down and Lydia let Tyler up.

"Dude, you let her win!"

"I didn't want her to be mad at me Josh! I-"

"Tyler. Come to bed." Jenna's voice came from the other side of the bus.

"When did Jenna get here?" Josh asked, looking at Tyler.

"That's why we stopped.  She sort of surprised me, do you mind uhm?"

" Yes, Tyler you and Jenna can have the bed. I'll sleep on the pull out couch. Be safe you two!"

"Thanks dad!  Goodnight guys!" Tyler said, practically running to the bedroom.

"Those crazy kids." Lydia said, going to climb in her bunk, only to find Shap fast asleep in it.

"uh, oh. Guess I'm sleeping in the window seat."

"Nah, the couch folds out into a bed. If you're okay with that."

"I'm a cuddler, so if that is a problem it's really fine, I can sleep in the window."

"I'm totally down for some snuggling. That sounds nice actually." Josh replied, taking  off his shirt.

_Oh, boy_.

Lydia switched off the light and looked around for another reason not to stare.

"Oh! Let me open the skylight so we can see the stars." Lydia suggested, climbing just to reach the tinted cover and slide it back.

The bus started to move and they were on their way to the next venue.

Josh had pulled out the hide-a-bed and acquired quilts and pillows from the storage compartment over their heads. Josh lay down first, placing his arms behind his head. Lydia flushed a deep shade of red, grateful for the darkness that hid it. The mattress was not very large, and even if they had not wanted to cuddle, there really wasn't another option.

"C'mon  what are you waiting for? I don't bite. Hard."

"Wow. You really do make some dad level jokes." Lydia said, shaking her head.

She crawled under the covers and went to rest her head on Josh's arm initially, but it took a few seconds to get into comfortable positions. Eventually, Josh unfolded his arm and Lydia's head rested between his bicep and his chest. Majority of her body was flat, except her legs. They were turned to the side and Lydia's shins rested against Josh's thigh.

They stayed up, watching the stars drift by, talking about the universe, aliens, and everything in between.  After awhile, Lydia looked like she was going to be out any second. Josh marveled at her face in the low light. Once she had relaxed, all signs of stress and pain were vacant from her expression and she looked peaceful, breathing softly against his chest as sleep took her. Eventually, sleep claimed Joshua as well, his last coherent thought was how beautiful Lydia was and how he wanted to touch his lips to hers.


	4. IV. These Shallow Waters (Dive Deeper)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jenna and Tyler find Josh and Lydia on the pull out bed, Jenna takes Lydia shopping, some self esteem issues.... Josh admits something to Tyler.

Jenna and Tyler were awake first, Jenna leaving the room only to find Josh and Lydia sprawled out on the pull-out couch.

"TYLER!" she whispered harshly.

"What is it, love?" Tyler replied, rubbing his eyes, hair sticking up every which way.

Jenna smiled and pointed to the pair of bodies that lay intertwined.

"Jenna, don't give me that look."

"Tyler. They're adorable together. This needs to happen."

Tyler  took hold of Jenna's shoulders gently.

"I completely agree, but it's not something you should force. You also don't know the entirety of the situation with Lydia, so please leave this one alone, okay?" he asked, touching his nose to hers playfully.

Jenna sighed, defeated.

"Okay, but I am taking her shopping with me today. She is the only girl here."

"Oh, so you don't like going me with me?!" Tyler replied, clutching his chest in fake offense.

"Oh stop! YOU shop more than I do when we go!"

"Fair enough. You can take her with you-if she wants to go."

Jenna squealed and hugged Tyler tightly, pecking him on the cheek.

"Love you baby." Jenna murmured against his skin.

 

Lydia woke up to the light of the sun hitting her face. Josh was still fast asleep. He looked so peaceful, his hair laying across his face, breath coming out softly between his lips. Lydia wanted to reach out and brush the strands from his eyes, longing to see the golden flecks  in the mocha brown of his irises. She stretched her legs instead and sat up to reach for her phone.

8 new messages. All from Ethan. Lydia cleared them out, not bothering to read them today. Josh stirred beside her, grateful for the Quilt that hid his typical morning... issue.

"Good morning sleepy head." Josh said, sitting up beside Lydia to try and find his shirt. He smiled. Her hair was convoluted and her clothes wrinkled. Even with a grumpy face. she was cute.

"unnngghhhh." she groaned in response- she was not a morning person, as least not until she had her tea. She stretched the top half of her body once more and fell back onto the cushion of the bed, curling back up.

Jenna spoke up finally.

"Oh, no none of that. You have to get up, silly girl. We're going out for a girls day." she explained, throwing a pillow at Lydia. Lydia groaned once more and drug herself out of bed.

"Come here I haven't seen you in weeks!" Jenna exclaimed, wrapping her arms around Lydia tightly.

"Missed you too Jenna." she replied sleepily, pulling away from the embrace to put her lemon tea in the keurig. While it was brewing, Lydia retrieved a bowl  and cereal.

"Anyone else want cereal? I know Josh does."

"Well, duh. That's basically all he eats. And nah, I'm good." Tyler said.

"Hey, cereal is legit dude. If I could only eat one food for the rest of my life it would be cereal." Josh stated.

"Same, as long as i had variety." Lydia agreed, pouring the milk carefully.

"Yes! Someone who gets it!" Josh declared, taking the bowl Lydia offered him.

Lydia jumped up onto the counter and sipped her tea.

"So, we're going out. How fast can you be ready?" Jenna nudged.

Josh, Tyler, and Lydia all exchanged glances. Lydia raised her eyebrows.

"Read my mug Jenna."

She squinted, attempting to read the teal cursive across her cup.

"Not...until... I've had my tea?" She questioned, and then it clicked "Ah, I see. I can wait it's only 9 anyway."

"Good decision." Lydia replied, raising her mug slightly.

**> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>** 

" So... you and Josh. What's up with that?" Jenna asked, switching her hands for the nail tech.

"Nothing like what you're implying. We're just friends. We went for a walk last night and when we got back Shap was in my bunk. We just slept. Nothing happened." Lydia countered, cringing as her technician began to file her nails. 

She loathed the sound and the feeling was even worse, so Lydia was grateful she was fast.

"But.. never mind." Jenna receded , remembering Tyler's words from that morning.

"What is it Jenna?" Lydia pushed, her nails receiving a fresh coat of glossy black polish.

Lydia wasn't typically "girly" and never did her nails at home. They would only be ruined by the barn work and the care taking of her horses. 

Jenna bit her lip in internal debate.  _Fuck it._

"Lydia, you don't see the way he looks at you when you aren't looking. He didn't even look at Debby like that. You two would be wonderful together I just know it."

"As much as I appreciate what you're trying to do. It would never work. I'm on the other side of the country as Josh when we aren't working. I'm sure the look you're referring to is pity. Josh is the only one who actually know the whole situation with Ethan and I and I didn't even mean to tell him. He is just so damn easy to talk to. He is not interested in me in that way and i told Tyler the same thing. He wouldn't like what he got even of he was. I'm too messed up Jenna."

"That is not true. Lydia you are a wonderful girl and I love you to bits. Josh and Tyler and the entire crew adore you." Jenna justified, touching her shoulder with her free hand.

Lydia scoffed. "Yeah,  _girl_  . They all think of me as some girl. I look like a baby too. The oldest anyone ever guesses is like 17. Everyone says I'll appreciate having a baby face when I'm older but I'm 22 for goodness sake. It's annoying to be mistaken for an underage teenager all the time."

Jenna nodded and grinned from ear to ear.

"Well I know where were going after this." Jenna chirped, standing and gathering her things.

"Jenna....."

"Just trust me." she replied, paying for their manicures and grabbing Lydia's hand.

**> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>** 

 

"Jenna I don't know about this. I have my own makeup I really don't need more."

"But do you contour though? I got this." Jenna convinced, grabbing more makeup in addition to the contour palette she already had in the basket. 

"Oh my god Lydia you're so pale. Too bad white-out doesn't make foundation." Jenna teased, picking up a dark burgundy shade of matte lipstick.

"Shade. Absolute shade Jenna. Rude." Lydia retorted, placing a brilliant shade of red in the basket as well.

"All in good fun dear. Go pick something bold, I'm gonna pay for the makeup."

"Jenna that palette alone is like 35 dollars. Let me-"

"Lydia. GO. PICK. SOMETHING." Jenna affirmed, going to get in line.

"Fine." Lydia sighed.

She was perfectly content in her Jean shorts, vans, and Stilinski Jersey but Jenna wanted more.

_Think bold, think bold._

Lydia wandered through the racks for several minutes, but everything she even glanced at she talked herself out of.  Jenna returned only to find Lydia sitting on bench.

"What's wrong?" Jenna asked, taking her place beside her.

Lydia shrugged and lied. "Nothing Jenna. I just can't find anything I Like."

Jenna shook her head.She knew better.

"Stop beating yourself up."

"I'm not."

"You are."

"I'm NOT." Lydia repeated, trying to stay firm.

"Sweetie, you are. Stop it."

Lydia cracked and started crying.

"Shh.. shh it's okay." Jenna soothed, rubbing her back.

"I am such a fucking crybaby. I'm so insecure next to you Jenna. Even with my friends at home I just fade into the background. They're all tall and pretty and..."

"Really thin?" Jenna finished.

Lydia agreed, feeling self-conscious.

"Lydia, you are no where near as big as you were. You're at a healthy weight now and you look fantastic. I know plenty of larger people that are healthy and plenty of thin people that aren't. So what if you aren't stick straight and super thin? That's not all it's cracked up to be. I'd rather be thick and juicy like you but I'm just not built that way."

"I have always been on the bigger side until recently and I still have the same fear. Ugh i went from an 18 to a 12 and I still feel fat."

"Well you're wrong. Now c'mon, there had to be something you liked." 

Jenna dragged Lydia back around the store until Lydia picked something. A pair of black jean shorts with tears in them, a grey tank top that wrapped around her back leaving her tattoo of Harley exposed and a knee length lace kimono  that was dark enough to hide her scars on her arms.

"See look at you!"

Lydia turned in the 360 mirror for about the thousandth time.

"I dunno Jenna, it's a little much."

"No,  think it's just enough. You just need some thigh highs and you'll be looking like the next supreme."

"Bitch I am the next supreme." she countered, feeling more confident now.

"Points for the Coven reference Jenna."

"I thought you would appreciate that."

"Alright, let me pay for this and we'll go back to the hotel and see if you can perform some magic and make me look my age."

"Girl that's not even a seventh wonder, Don't worry. "

They made their way back to the hotel and Jenna began working her magic. 

After the final spritz of setting spray made contact with Lydia's face, Jenna was pleased with her work.

  "Done. I'm so jealous of your eyelashes. They're so long." Jenna declared.

"You can thank my Czechoslovakian mother for that. Holy- who the hell is that?" Lydia gasped as Jenna handed her a mirror.

Her reflection didn't even look like her. Jenna had skillfully contoured her face, giving her the definition that her fair skin lacked. Her eyes  were smokey- a deep matte red serving as the primary lid color. Jenna had painted her lips with the dark shade of burgundy that they had purchased. 

"You beat the crap out of my face and it worked. I look like a fierce queen dude."

"You were already a fierce queen."

"Go change so I can document my work."

"Fine." Lydia sighed, going to gather her new outfit as well as her other accessories. 

Lydia pulled out her choker, Red Vans snap back, red thigh highs, and her pentagram harness top to put under her tank top. After she was changed, she went back out to the room with Jenna, pulling on her snap back backwards. 

Jenna was stunned. All the red contrasted beautifully with her blue hair and eyes and she walked with a a newfound confidence. Jenna cocked her head to the side.

"What? No heels?"

"I didn't bring any with me and I was not about to bring my riding boots, so my vans will have to do. Besides, I'm not a heels kinda girl."

"Fair enough, Lets go outside for pictures the lighting in this room is no good."

"So you're a photographer now Jenna?"

"I dabble." She jested, locking the door behind them.

 

(Josh POV)

"So, do you like Lydia?" Tyler blurted out as they waited for the girls to return. He just couldn't contain himself. He needed to know.

Josh nearly choked on his water.

"What?"

"Do. You. Like. Lydia." he reiterated.

"I heard you. I dunno man."

"You don't have to lie to me Josh. You can tell me anything; you're my best friend. Besides, you're a terrible liar."

He was right. "Yeah, I really do. She's so awesome. She's funny, she plays drums, she rides horses. I just feel so comfortable with her. Like she'll understand anything I tell her, bad or otherwise. But her ex who was her first well everything, or so I gathered, messed her up man. He destroyed her drums and tore her down all the time. He even asked for an open relationship while she was here. Who in their right mind does that? Lydia put up with him for three years. Just-ugh I don't know how she's doing with it all and I don't want to hurt her unintentionally."

Tyler nodded in agreement.

"Well I think that maybe-" Tyler broke off, focusing on something in the distance.

Josh turned his head to see what his friend was looking at. Tyler had noticed that Jenna and Lydia were in the courtyard.

"Jenna stop! " She whined as Jenna snapped another photo of her, covering her face.

"C'mon Lydia I have to get good photos of all my work. At least look like you're enjoying yourself." 

Lydia sighed. Might as well model while she looked like one. She swung her legs onto the stone wall that enclosed the fire pit and posed with her left leg pulled up to her chest and the right extended. After a few more shots, Lydia was done being pretty.

Josh was utterly shocked. She looked so... girly, but still her. The make up was pretty, but he didn't think she needed it.

"Dude, you have a staring problem. And close your mouth, they're coming over here." Tyler teased, noticing his friends jaw was slightly ajar.

Josh quickly turned back to Tyler to avoid getting caught staring.

"I think I see some drool."

"Shut up Tyler." he hissed as they walked up.

"What's up?" Jenna asked playfully, raising an eyebrow at Josh, "Like what I did? We went and played some dress up."

"I'm not a barbie doll Jenna. This is something I would wear anyway." Lydia defended, shifting in her sneakers.

"The contouring was a bit much, I usually stick to my eyes and that's it."

"You look really nice. "Josh nearly whispered, not taking his eyes from his phone.

"Thanks. Jenna made me look 22, which is a nice change."

"Yeah, most of the time you look 14." Tyler laughed, and Jenna smacked him lightly in the arm.

"At least I don't look like a twelve year old boy."

"TAKE IT BACK!"

"Nope!" She asserted, excusing herself to the other side of the courtyard to answer her phone.

Josh could not resist looking up at her ass as she walked away.  He was happy to she her tattoos shown off and her hair down, falling in waves almost to her hips.

" Jenna. I told you to leave it alone." Tyler mumbled, shaking his head.

"I did. All I did was take her shopping and made her up. I don't-"

"She doesn't need all that stuff on her face. Lydia looks pretty without it." Josh interjected, rising to pursue Lydia before Jenna could make a big deal of what he just said.


	5. V. I found Love (Where it wasn't supposed to Be)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so Josh and Lydia talk about drums and how she does something unique with hers. There's a flashback (marked with ** at the beginning and end) of some smut, some abuse, and an anxiety attack in this chapter so please stay safe guys!

"Hey mom, Where's Harley?"

"Out back, being lazy and eating like usual. What's all this?" Her mother asked, making a circle around her face.

"It was Jenna's idea.I thought it couldn't hurt to look my age for once."

"Alright dear, as long as you're happy. How are you holding up sweetheart?"

"I'm okay. Everyone is really great Momma. I just really miss you and the babies. Can you go outside so I can see my buddy, please?" She begged.

Her mother sighed, "You're lucky I love you." She stood and exited the house to venture out to the pasture. Her mom turned the camera so she could see. 

Harley was happily grazing alongside her mothers trail horse Jinkx.

"See? Safe, fat and sound."

"Harley!" Lydia called out through the receiver, followed by a whistle pattern that she used when she wanted Harley to come up to her.

His head popped up and soon he was trotting up to the gate, sweeping his head from side to side. Harley was searching for her.

"Hey big guy." Lydia whispered, brushing her fingers along the screen, wishing she could touch him.

"Miss you too little bean." She laughed as he lipped at the phone.

Tears welled up in her eyes, but she quickly blinked them away as her mother turned the camera back around.

"So can Dereck fix my drums or?"

Her mothers somber expression and silence answered that question.

"So no? Damn. If you see Ethan, run him over for me would you?"

"He needs to replace your drums if nothing else, the little shit. I never liked him."

"I know mom, but it's better if i just ghost him and pretend it never happened. I'll deal with the drum situation when i get home.

"Alright Lulabelle- oh, you have a visitor." her mom stopped, noticing Josh walking up in the background.

"Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't realize it was a skype call. I'll just go."

"No stay! I gotta go get the zoo fed anyway. Bye sweetie I love you!"

"Love you too ma."

Lydia hung up the phone, shoving it into her pocket.

"You look just like your mom." Josh commented, sitting down in one of the chairs.

"yeah she had me when she was younger. She's my best friend. My mom has this beautiful soulful voice like Stevie Nicks. My mom and I would lay on the floor of the living room for hours listening to Cher and Fleetwood Mac on the record player. It was amazing."

"Would? You don't do that now?"

"I just don't have as much time as I used to.What with riding, my drums, college, and work, i barely have time to read anymore. When I get home my mom is asleep and when I wake up she's already gone."

"Ah, I don't really see my parents or my siblings that much for obvious reasons.

"At least you have siblings. It's always just been me." 

"There's perks to both. What about your Dad? Is he in the picture?"

"Not Really. He lives in New Jersey and we talk occasionally but its always awkward."

"I see. I'm sorry you're drums are wrecked."

"You heard that huh? Yeah, I'm gonna save what I Can and turn it into an art piece I guess. They're already covered in paint anyway."

"You painted your drums?"

"Not exactly. I put water color paint in the tops of the upright drums and wear white when I make a video. I'm creating two types of art at once that way. The paint was just an idea and water color is easy to wipe off so I tried it. I had to put tarps everywhere but the colors converging and splattering made for an interesting piece."

"I've never even thought of that. It sounds like a cool concept. Can I see?"

Lydia got shy. "Uhm... I don't know Josh."

"C'mon it's not like I can't find your channel and see anyway, but I'd rather you share it with me."

"Okay lets go back up to the room. I'm dying in this heat."  She agreed reluctantly, starting to head back inside the hotel, Josh beside her. The pair made their way to the room and sat down on the bed.

"Okay, have at it." Lydia said, handing over her phone once she had opened her google drive.

Josh took it happily, picking the first one on the list.

 _Faded_ by Alan Walker.  

The camera was close enough to see that paint jump lightly with every contact her sticks made on her kit. Violets, greens, teals, and blues spilled over the hoops of the drums, some dried and some fresh. Lydia was singing softly into the microphone that hung above her set. As she started getting more into it as the song progressed, the paint jumped higher, splattering her clothes and skin.

Josh was so enamored watching her play. By the time she had finished, she was covered in paint, but she looked happy, flipping her sticks in satisfaction.  He grinned from ear to ear,  and chose another.  He chose a cover of one of he and Tyler's songs;  _House of Gold._ Lydia Played with a smile on her face and gold paint in the drums. Josh continued to watch video after video, and eventually got to the last one.  _Swan Song_  by Set It Off. Lydia had dozed off as Josh watched her videos, but snapped awake at the recognition of the music. She had completely forgotten that that had been recorded. Lydia shot up into a sitting position, trying to take the phone away from Josh, dreading anyone seeing what was already on the screen.

Josh watched in horror as Ethan walked into the shot, stumbling slightly. He could tell there was dialogue, but couldn't discern what was being said. They way Lydia had explained that night was painted lightly- but it couldn't have been more the opposite. Suddenly, Ethan was shouting at her, screaming in her face and she cowered away. Ethan shoved her off her seat -- hard. There was a definitive  _thump_  when her head made contact with the wall behind her drums. He started tearing her kit apart and destroying the pieces.  Lydia grabbed hold of Ethan and begged for him to stop and once again he shoved her away. This time when she hit the floor, she stayed down, crying and bleeding from her lip.

"Josh, give me the phone please. No one was meant to see that. I meant to delete it."

"Don't you dare. Do not delete this. He assaulted you. You need to press charges." Josh replied, anger evident in his voice.

 _Oh, no_.

"Josh I provoked him, it was my own fault-"

"No Lydia it wasn't! Nothing you said or did warranted that reaction. I'm glad you dumped him before it escalated and got worse."

Lydia look away, anywhere that wasn't at Josh.

"Lydia, did he hit you before this."

"No... yes." She admitted, remembering what happened.

_***** Ethan and Lydia were in the middle of scene. He had her face pressed into the pillow, her ass in the air. He was pounding away, making sure that she'd be sore. Lydia began to ache and that's  when things got worse. Ethan flipped her over and began to hit her- not on her ass or her legs where it was fine, but in the face. She had told him multiple times that being smacked in the face was not a thing she enjoyed._

_"Ethan, you know I hate it when you do that! Stop!"_

_He covered her mouth ," Did i give you permission to speak, slut?"_

_She shook her head and he took his hand away to place them on her hips, gripping them so tightly his hands would surely leave bruises. A few strokes later, he hit her again... and again. She couldn't take it- she no longer felt comfortable in the scene. Lydia used her safe word._

_"Red." She whispered, tears welling up in her eyes._

_Ethan ignored her and continued to thrust into her. Her hands were bound, so it was difficult to try and shove him off, and try she did._

_"I said; RED."_

_His hand found her throat and he clamped his fingers around her neck, lowering his face to hers._

_"Shut. Up. And. Take. It. You know you like it." He growled, hitting her harder, on her shoulders, her breasts and thrusting roughly into her._

_"Red. Red. Red! RED!"she pleaded, barely getting the word out. Ethan never acknowledged her safe word. He had broken the skin on her arm somehow and Lydia lay there, crying and pleading until it was over. *****_

"He just kept hitting me and hitting me and told me to deal with it. When you safe word, everything is supposed to stop in the scene.  I have so many bruises and marks from other things but Initially I just thought I came with the territory. It's funny how you don't realize you're being abused until it's already too late." Lydia explained, trying to keep the explicit details to a minimum. 

"Can.. can I see?" Josh almost whispered.

"Josh it'll just make you more upset."

"Please." he said tentatively. He needed to know how hard he needed to punch this punk.

Lydia turned away, shrugging down her kimono top to expose the skin on her back. Josh moved her hair to one side, his fingers brushing lightly against her skin. Josh surveyed the expanse of her back, and beneath the nape of her neck and along her shoulder blades were white lines of scar tissue. Lydia felt her stomach flip and her body grow hot. Josh watched her go from pale to ghostly, her skin turning cold.

 _"Not now."_ she thought, trying desperately to use her breathing techniques to stop the anxiety attack that threatened to surface. It wasn't working and her breath kept catching in her throat.

"What's wrong?" Josh asked, panicked. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly as she trembled.

"An-an-an-anxiety attack. It should p-p-p-pass soon." she struggled between breaths.

"What do you need me to do?' Josh knew how badly anxiety attacks sucked; he'd had a few of his own.

"D-d-d-don't let g-go." she choked out, clutching Josh's forearm like it was the only thing keeping her grounded.  Josh held her closer, reassuring her that it was going to be okay.

"It's alright. I've got you. I'm not leaving. I've got you." Josh whispered, his lips brushing lightly against her skin where he rested his head on her shoulder.

Lydia's grip eventually went slack and the rigidity of her body subsided. Her breathing was still forced, but out of exhaustion rather than anxiety. 

" I am so sorry you had to see that. "

"Don't apologize for something you have no control over. What happened? Or did this one just come out of nowhere?" he asked, standing to find a glass to get Lydia some water.

In the meantime, Lydia rummaged through her bag, searching for her make-up remover wipes.  She took the liberty of wiping her entire face and taking off her pentagram harness. 

"Much better. Thanks." she mumbled, taking the glass of water from Josh.

"I guess it was sort of random. Thinking about that doesn't necessarily trigger my anxiety usually. So Guess it was random and not random at the same time. Safe words are safe words for a reason." Lydia laughed, finishing off the water.

"I feel bad. I didn't mean for that to happen Lydia."

"Don't apologize for something you can't control Josh." she smiled, mirroring his words from earlier.

"Honestly, I'm a little surprised. I  didn't peg you for being into that kind of thing." He confessed, straightening his legs out and motioning for her to lay across his lap. Lydia rested her head on his thighs and Josh ran his fingers through her hair.

 "Oh, you know the quiet, shy, innocent looking ones have a little kink in them. I'm not into hardcore BDSM per se, Ethan was. I'm just super submissive and i have a hard time speaking up. I mean like the biting, and the light choking, and hair pulling and being restrained but otherwise I just like it when its a little rough."

"So you just like letting your partner have control?" Josh concluded, trying to understand.

"Exactly. That way I don't have to think- just feel and obey. Shut my brain off for a little while. Sometimes you need to be that far gone to get away from the voice that tells you you're nothing.It's just another attempt to make them stop. You could say i have a  _HeavyDirtySoul_  . " Lydia remarked, a wicked grin spreading across her face.

"That was bad." Josh laughed, his tongue poking through the front of his teeth.

"I couldn't resist, I'm a sucker for a bad pun. " she beamed, feeling a little more relaxed.

"ugh, i feel like I got his by a bus." Lydia whispered, yawning and curing closer to Josh. Josh hated to admit it, but he was tired too.

"Nap?"

"Nap." She agreed, her eyelids heavy.

Josh's neck was going to kill him from sleeping upright, but he wasn't about to move. Instead, he laced his fingers between Lydia's.

She didn't mind at all.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Jenna and Tyler came through the door, only to find Josh and Lydia asleep together.

"Why is it that they're always asleep when we find them?"

"I mean, I don't want to find them doing other activities Jenna. Could be worse. I got this."

Tyler crept up next to Josh's face.

"Joooooooooooooossssssssssshhhhhhh. Josh wake up. We're gonna go eat. Joooossshhh." 

Lydia reached over and slapped Tyler's arm

"Where's the snooze button?" She grumbled.

"Josh. Wake. UP." Tyler nudged, shaking his shoulder.

"okay okay. I'm up. " he replied finally, stretching his arms.

"What are you feeling for food Jenna?"

"Anything except for Taco Bell and Chipotle."

"AGGGGH." Tyler and Josh protested simultaneously.

"So basically, we're gonna starve?" Tyler concluded.

"Shush Tyler. Lydia, any suggestions?" Jenna said, turning to her for an answer.

"uhm... I could really go for some stuffed shells? Are there any Italian restaurants around?"

"Sounds good to me."Josh agreed. 

Lydia and Josh stood, still sleepy.

"That wasn't a long enough nap. Rain check?" Josh asked as they left the hotel room with Tyler and Jenna.

"Rain check."

**  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a spaz and keep changing the song that Lydia's in the middle of playing when Ethan comes home. its swan song by set it off and thats the last time im changing it i promise!!!!


	6. VI.  I Promised Myself (That I Wouldn't Let You Complete Me)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is following the previous chapter. Lydia's mood sinks, she isolates herself from everyone. Josh comforts her anyway. Lydia has an interesting dream. fluufffffffff. <3

"I mean with the floor tom that close to your legs, have you ever hit yourself in the dick?" Lydia asked, straight faced.

"Uhm, no but i whack the crap out of my hand occasionally."Josh replied, a laughing hard at the question.

"What?! It was a serious question! I get myself in my thigh all the time."

Jenna and Tyler sighed; Josh and Lydia had been talking about drums for the past thirty minutes. They were walking back up to the hotel through the courtyard. It had begun to rain, and everyone but Lydia sped up.  Lydia held back, letting the soothing drops of water hit her skin. It felt good to just live in the moment. The other three stood under the over hang, just watching her. Lydia checked her phone after it buzzed in her pocket. Another text from Ethan. Lydia promptly deleted it and walked onward to join her friends.

Josh slowed down to keep pace with Lydia.

"You like the rain, huh?"

"It rains a lot in Virginia and this is the first bit of rain we've had on the tour. You don't realize how much you take it for granted until you miss it." 

"I can understand that. Sometimes it's small things in life that make you the happiest." Josh agreed.

_Little things that I_   _did that Ethan took for granted and just couldn't appreciate_.... she thought to herself.

Lydia found herself sinking emotionally. She thought of herself as weak once again, that just a simple thought like that could drown her. 

"Hey Josh?"

"Yeah?"

She faltered. "Never mind..." she whispered, averting his gaze.

"No seriously what is it?"

"I'm just feeling a little low. Can I sleep with you again?" she asked timidly.

"I'd like that actually. Having someone next to you is nice. and clearly Tyler already has a cuddle buddy. " Josh concurred, wrapping his arm around Lydia's shoulder.

They made their way back up to the room and Lydia gathered her things for a shower, along with her BMTH shirt and her PJ pants.

She turned on the water and switched her music player on while she waited for it to get hot.

Lydia decided to start with  _Ancient History_  by Set it Off. Cody's voice always got her in a good mood.  The water hit her skin and she started to sing quietly. unbeknownst to her, Tyler and Josh were sitting outside the bathroom door, hoping she would sing.

"You were right dude. She's got pipes." Tyler commented as her range met Brendon's in   _This is Gospel._

  _If you love me let me go_  
If you love me let me go  
_'Cause these words are knives that often leave scars_  
 _The fear of falling apart_  
 _And truth be told, I never was yours_  
 _The fear, the fear of falling apart_

Then it hit her, Those words had never been more clear. 

_The fear of falling apart_

_And truth be told, I never was yours_

Perhaps Lydia had only stayed for fear of leaving. 

Lydia dried her hand on a towel and changed the song.; _Ghost_ by Halsey.

_Much better_ she thought to herself as she scrubbed through her hair, or so she had hoped.

_My Ghost, where'd you go? What happened to the Soul that you used to be? I'm searching for something that I can't reach...._

Tyler and Josh heard her voice crack and then cease. The boys exchanged looks, concerned. Something in the lyrics had hit her.

Lydia slid down the side of the shower to the floor.

She was searching for something she feared she'd never reach ; hope. Lydia looked at the marks on her arms and thighs, tracing the  nearly invisible lines that would always be there . For a moment, she thought of opening them back up and watching the blood stain the water, swirling like smoke and running down the drain.

Lydia denied this, telling herself that she'd come too far to throw it away now. She stood, wiped her tears, and turned off the water. She got dressed and wrapped her hair up in a towel, putting on a brave face.

Josh and Tyler scrambled to get to the other side of the room once they heard the water shut off , in an effort  to make it appear as though they had never been there. 

Lydia cocked an eyebrow upon entry to the main part of the room. She shook her head, but felt herself coming to the verge of tears once again.

"Were you outside listening to me sing?"

"WHAT? NO! What do you mean?" Tyler scoffed, scrolling through his phone.

"Yeah we were." Josh admitted. stepping closer to Lydia.

"You alright? You stopped singing all of a sudden."

"Yeah. I just didn't want to get soap in my mouth when i washed my hair." she lied. "I, um, I changed my mind. I'm just gonna sleep on the couch in the other part of the room, okay?" Lydia continued. She couldn't have them seeing her break down all the time, especially Josh. A Smile painted her face but her eyes said it all. 

"oh, uhm. Alright."  he mumbled, scratching his head. 

Lydia turned  rather quickly to  leave the bedroom section of the room,  shutting the door behind her.

"She's lying." Josh said to himself.

"Maybe you should go talk to her?" Tyler suggested, taking a seat next to Jenna.

"I'm gonna give her a little while. I think she just needs some time alone." 

"Do you really think that's best?" Jenna Pondered, her face contorted with concern.

Josh hesitated. He didn't want to intrude too quickly, in case Lydia did indeed need time.

After awhile, he crossed the room and knocked .

No Answer.

Josh opened the door and found Lydia curled on the couch,  headphones on and biting her hand to keep from making too much noise as she wept. Josh walked to the other side of the couch, laying down behind her and wrapping her up in his arms. 

Josh took her headphones out,"Do you really want to be alone or do you just feel like you're bothering me and Tyler and Jenna?"

"The second one." she sniffled.

"You're not. We care too much about you for you to ever be a bother. Talk to me."

"I just feel like I'll never be full. I feel empty again. I keep chasing after this glimmer of hope that everything will be okay and every time i get close enough to catch it, it slips out of my grasp. Like tonight when we all went out. I felt normal for a minute, like nothing could bum me out. Then I got in my own head and started thinking too much and I sunk down into that dark place and I didn't want you to worry. " Lydia explained, trying to shrink even further into herself.

"Do you want to go back to the bed or do you want to stay here for a while?"

"Stay. Here. " Lydia hiccuped, tears falling faster at the though of Tyler and Jenna seeing her like this was too much. It was bad enough that Josh had taken it upon himself to do so already.

"Okay, We'll stay here." He soothed, smoothing her hair away from her face. 

Without thinking, Josh pressed his lips gently to her temple.

"Shh, it's gonna be okay.... was that weird?"

She shook her head.

Josh situated himself into an upright position and Lydia soon did the same.

"Wanna play a game?" Josh offered, his eyes scrunching up at the corners when he grinned. 

"What kind of game?" She replied, trying not to melt at Josh's adorable smile.

"A drumming game.Close your eyes. Your hands are gonna be the cymbals," he elucidated, pulling her arms out so her hands were palms up,"Your thighs are gonna be the toms, and your knee is gonna be the snare. hmm, what about the bass drum though?" He pondered.

"My foot. Tap your foot on the top of mine. Boom, bass drum." She suggested, placing her foot flat on the floor.

"Good idea. I'm gonna drum on you and your'e gonna guess the song and then you'll do the same thing to me."

"Are they gonna be all Twenty One Pilots songs? It's all I've heard for weeks, not that I'm complaining."

"Yeah I'd say that's fair. Now close your eyes silly. I promise I won't hit hard."

"Don't threaten me with a good time Josh." She winked, then closed her other eye.

Josh started to drum softly on her body and Lydia tried to relax. Josh only got through a few measures of  _HeavyDirtySoul_  before she guessed it.

"Surprised i got it so fast?"

"A little, but I'm easily impressed."

"Rude. My turn." she quipped. scooting closer to reach Josh.

Lydia began tapping out the slow beats of  _Goner_ that built into the drop.

"Is it... goner?" josh guessed, cracking open and eye in anticipation.

"Ding ding."

They went back and forth.

_Guns For Hands._

_Lovely._

_Forest._

_Fairly Local._

 Eventually, Lydia tired out, falling asleep against the back of the couch.

Josh shook his head, standing. He looped his hands under her and lifted her up. Lydia snuggled against the crook of his neck while he walked back to the bed. Tyler was still awake, sitting up and trying to write while Jenna was fast asleep.

"Is she okay?"

"She'll be fine." Josh replied, putting Lydia down and settling in beside her.  

"Goodnight Josh." 

"Goodnight Fren." He replied.

Lydia stirred and snuggled closer to Josh as he pulled the covers over them. He felt better that she was with him , instead of all alone. Sleep came fairly quickly to him and he smiled, thinking of the show tomorrow.

 

 

_"You did so good baby girl." He said, stroking her hair while she caught her breath.  The scene had been intense and Lydia had tears streaming down her face. He scattered kisses along her skin, whispering words of comfort to build her back up. He told her she was safe and that he wasn't going anywhere. Lydia smiled, grateful for the aftercare she so rarely received._

_"I'm going to go get you some water. Are you gonna be okay while I'm gone?"_

_Lydia nodded, snuggling against the pillows._

_"Be right back babe." he said, standing and leaving the room._

**_Wait a minute._ **

_Ethan never called her "Babe". Lydia sat up, pulling the sheets around her, waiting for whomever it was to return._

_"I brought you back an apple too, I know how much you love them- babe what's wrong?"_

_Lydia began to sob uncontrollably. The person standing in the doorway, with a goofy grin and a beautiful mass of bright red hair, was Josh._

Lydia woke up and clutched the pillow to muffle her sobs. That would never be a reality. Josh simply didn't want her in that way. Why did her brain do this to her? Josh stirred and pulled her close.

"Hey, hey. Shhh. What's wrong?"

"Bad dream." she choked out.

"Ethan?" 

"Yeah." she lied.

"It's alright, you're safe. He can't get you. I wouldn't let him."

Lydia turned over and clung to Josh instead. She felt like a helpless child.

"I'm a black hole." She whispered against his chest.

"What?"

"You and Tyler and Jenna are entire galaxies, full of stars and beautiful things. I just feel like this black hole that's sucking the life right out of everything. " she admitted.

"No, you're not. I see a million stars and a thousand nebulae.. You've been through so much that some of your stars are burnt out, but that doesn't make the ones that are still there any less bright."

"Why do you always have some profound thing to say?"

"I don't always. Sometimes i trip over what I'm trying to say and it just ends up sounding stupid."

"I think that's everyone Josh." she reassured him.

He nodded, tapping his fingers in rhythm on her arm. Josh started humming  _Lovely_. It was unmistakable. 

"Won't you stay alive? I'll Take you on a ride. I will make you believe you are lovely..." Josh sang quietly, drifting back to sleep, Lydia in his arms.

 


	7. VII. Anywhere, Anytime (I would Do Anything for You)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some drumming, some emotions, lydia talks with Tyler. a nice chapter to help balance it out.

Josh woke up first to the alarm going off on Tyler's phone. Lydia  made the grumpiest of faces-she didn't want it to be morning yet. She grabbed for a pillow to cover her ears and ended up smacking Josh right in the side of his neck.

"OUCH! LYDIA!" Josh exclaimed, grabbing her wrist lightly to make her stop. His long, calloused fingers wrapped around her wrist and made it disappear. She really was small.

Lydia sat up, her arm still in his grasp.

"Did I hit you? I'm sorry Josh." she apologized, glancing at his hand.

Josh, barely awake, kept eye contact with Lydia for a least a minute before he responded, releasing his hold on her finally.

"It's okay, I know you didn't mean to." he shrugged, running his fingers through his hair.

"Bus is ready. We gotta get moving. We're behind as it is." Tyler said, shoving his phone in his pocket.

Lydia was up first, snagging her bag from the floor and going to change in the bathroom. She procured her Honda billboard jersey and a pair of teal jeans. The jersey was roomy and cozy and she had noted the downpour outside on her way the the bathroom. She came back and everyone else was dressed.

"Well, I guess I'm the only one that's shy." she muttered,gathering all her things.

"C"MON!!!! We still have to check out." Tyler whined, wanting to get going.

The four of them made their way down to the lobby and surprisingly there was no line to check out.  Once they were all settled on the bus, Lydia took her usual seat by the window, watching the drops of rain spatter against the glass as they began to move. Lydia took out her phone to check her notifications;

A few texts from mom, including a picture of Harley.

A few million texts from Ethan.

She sighed deleted the thread from Ethan and logged into her YouTube account. A thousand comments appeared, begging her to do another video. If only they knew she had no drums. If only they knew what happened.  Lydia moved onto her suggested videos in search of new music. Alan walker had a new song called  _Sing Me to Sleep ._ She selected it, plugging in her headphones. It had the same vocalist as _Faded_ which made her happy, as did the slow progression into a heavy drum beat.

_Anywhere, anytime_

_I would do anything for you_

_Anything for you_  
Yesterday got away  
Melodies stuck inside your head

_A song in every breath_

Lydia played it over and over again, working out the drum pattern on her legs, the bench,and even the window. She was unaware that Tyler and Josh had been watching her for about five minutes- usually she did this in private. Tyler was making a vine of her.

"Hey Lydia watcha doin?"

"GAH!TYLER!!!" She cried, shoving him away.

"Aw, c'mon you were totally feeling it, whatever is was." Josh commented, laughing as Tyler scrambled not to drop his phone.

"I'm working out the drum beats for a song doofus."

"What song, maybe I can help?" he asked, sitting down beside her.

Lydia handed him her headphones so he could listen. He closed his eyes and nodded when the drum beats began.

"I really like the build up with the drums."

"Same. I really want to cover it, so I want to work out the pattern so I can play it when I get new drums."

"Pattern? Why don't you just look up the sheet music?"

"Well... I learn everything by ear. I can't read music Josh."

"That's pretty impressive. Not many people can do that."

"I like to think so. Ugh, I wish that massive idiot hadn't ruined my drums."

Josh felt for her. He knew how badly he itched to play when he had no access to his drums, especially if his anxiety was up.

"You should cover it. You can use my drums after rehearsal if you want."

Lydia's jaw dropped and Tyler let out a small gasp from across the bus.

"Are you serious? I know how important your drums are to you Josh."

"And it's for that reason that I'm letting you use them. If you're as passionate about them as I am I know you're practically dying right now. We'll work out the pattern on the way."

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" she exclaimed. Lydia was actually crying a little as she threw her arms around Josh, not letting go for several minutes. It was a good feeling to be in his arms.

"As much as I love hugs, I have to pee." Josh chuckled.

"I'm a sloth." she mumbled against Josh's shoulder.

"What?"

"IMA SLOTH!" she giggled, releasing him.

Josh grinned, shaking his head and walking to the bathroom. He passed Tyler, who smirked once they'd made eye contact. Josh hardly let alone touch his drums, let alone play them. There was no denying that he like Lydia as more than a friend.Josh returned and stopped next to Tyler.

"What's with the shit eating grin?"

"Not a thing, but if you tell me you're not half-way in love with Lydia I will call you the biggest liar to ever exist." 

Josh was caught off-guard. He looked around the corner at Lydia, who was filming an update for her channel.

"You're letting her use your drums? Those are practically your children man."

Josh sighed. "Yeah, I like her a lot. She gets me, okay? "

"I KNEW IT! JENNA!!!!!!"

"What?" she asked, coming out from the bedroom to see what the fuss was about.

"We were right, Josh 100% likes--"

"SHHHHH!!!!" Josh Hissed, covering his best friends mouth and turning slightly red.

"This isn't high school Josh. Why are you so hesitant to ask her out?"

"I don't think it would be wise. She just got out of a three year relationship with a massive d-bag. She's kinda wrecked on the inside. Lydia is faking it. She seems fine but i promise you she isn't. I want to show her that not every guy is a jerk and treat her the way she deserves to be treated. But I also don't want her to jump in and not be ready. If all i can do is make her happy, then I'll do it and I'll get over it. Besides, I don't think she thinks of me that way."

Jenna nodded. " Josh, I don't know the whole situation with her ex, but I do know for certain that there is no possible way she isn't into you."

"That may be true but I don't want to risk hurting her more or making it awkward. What happened between Lydia and Ethan is not my business to speak of but  I swear if I ever saw him I'd beat him into oblivion. "

Tyler's face contorted with concern. Josh was never violent, ever.

"This guy must be a real piece of work. No wonder she's upset intermittently."

"I feel so bad for her," Jenna whispered, peeking around the corner at Lydia, still drumming away, "I wish she would open up more to Tyler and I, but if she's going to talk to someone, I'm glad it's you Josh." 

Josh nodded, Pulling out two sets of drum sticks and his practice pad. He set all the stuff down on the table and went to get Lydia from the seat by the window. He grabbed her hand and lead her over to the booth, sitting on the opposite side of her. 

"What's all this for?"

"Well, we've got about four hours till we get to the next venue, so we've got time  to work out this pattern. "

"Solid. I think your sticks are too long for me though." she replied, fumbling to get a comfortable grip on them.

"Just choke up on 'em. Like a baseball bat. we're only doing it on a practice pad so it won't really matter."

"I suppose you're right. I really don't feel like digging my personal sticks out anyway."

"You brought your own drumsticks?"

"So did you?" she fired back, smirking.

She started tapping away, pausing periodically to sing to herself, memorizing the beats and where and when they should land.Josh thoroughly enjoyed watching the gears turn in Lydia's head. After nearly an hour, they had worked it out. Lydia could barely sit still she was so excited. She was finally starting to feel her depression back off. Josh had really gone out of his way to make her happy. Before they knew it, they were pulling into the next hotel and piling into the van to head to the venue for rehearsal.

**> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>**

"Oooookay, we're all done." Josh said excitedly in Lydia's ear, making her jump. She has been drawing a _Trees_  inspired piece, sitting on the floor of the pit while she watched Josh and Tyler rehearse. She and Father John had finished up their end of the work about an hour ago. Lydia jumped up and couldn't contain herself. Lydia was so excited; she was about to play the drums for the first time in months, and not just anyone's drums. 

Josh's drums.

Lydia pulled out her drum sticks from her bag, twirling them. It felt good to have them back in her hands. Lydia caught her reflection as she walked up the steps to the stage. For once, she felt as good as she looked. She had emulated Josh's blurryface make-up since she was using his drums. Her short-sleeved crop top fell delicately off her shoulders, and her new shorts she had bought with Jenna paired nicely with it. 

Josh looked over at her sticks, as she was twisting her arms to stretch.

"Those are pretty sick." he commented.

She handed him one so he could have a closer look. they were a deep shade of violet with aluminum tips. 

"To my... spooky girl?" He read, squinting to see the black text on the side of the wood.

"My birthday is on Halloween. My mom has always called me that, among other things." she explained, sitting down and adjusting Josh's throne. Everyone had left the stage and she was grateful- it was just her and Josh, who would not judge her for anything she did. She tapped on the cymbals, testing the sound out. Lydia closed her eyes, leaning back and letting the sound reverberate through her body. She began to feel everything out, testing every drum and making adjustments in her seating. 

"Hold on, you're missing something." Josh noted, taking off his snap-back and placing it backwards on Lydia's head.

She looked up at Josh through her lashes.

"Really?"

"What? It'll keep your hair out of your face."

"I mean you're right but damn. I'm gonna play a few things to warm up, if that's okay. I've been out of practice."

"Have at it." 

She smiled brightly, finding instrumentals on her phone to keep her on rhythm. Lydia set it on shuffle and was prepared to play whatever came on.

Her smile turned into a smirk when she heard the first words to _Uncontainable_ by Set It Off . She eased her way into the beat, singing along with music.

 

Tyler, Jenna, and Mark had appeared side stage. Josh looked at Tyler, who pushed is finger to his lips in a Shh fashion. Josh's drums were facing inward so Lydia would not see them unless she turned around. Josh was videoing on his phone in tandem with the go pro he'd attached to the drums. Lydia's phone played _Gasoline_ by Halsey next. Lydia improvised, adding in some extra cymbal and floor tom work and singing her heart out. 

 

Josh went into his Instagram account, making a short video to send to Ashley. He thought she'd enjoy hearing someone so talented doing her Song. She responded quickly: 

A: SHE'S SO GOOD! :D

J: Yeah she is 

A: ARE THOSE YOUR DRUMS?! Got yourself a new gf Josh?

J: haha. No it's not like that Ash,

A: mhmm. okay.

Josh rolled his eyes, locking his phone and putting it in his pocket as Lydia finished up. She basically inhaled the bottle of water she brought with her, taking a moment to catch her breath.

"Ready? For real?"

"Roger that red leader." 

Lydia addressed the camera once it was in Josh's hands again. She gave a shout out to Josh and thanked him for letting her use his drums, told them that she was doing a cover of _Sing Me to Sleep_ , and that it would be a one take-one shot. Lydia began the playback track, starting off timidly, tapping the cymbals here and there with the piano and her voice.  The drums became more and more involved, escalating her confidence. Lydia was bouncing in the stool, moving with energy.

"Look at them." Jenna whispered, watching Josh as he moved around, seeing the interaction between them.

Tyler saw it too, but it terrified him. He hadn't seen his best friend this happy in a long time. Tyler didn't want it to amount to nothing and see Josh sink again. Lydia finished the last few beats, holding her drum sticks to her face in delight. She took a moment to reflect; she hadn't felt this good in a while. Josh came up  and hugged her, lifting her off the stool and spinning her around.

"That was so amazing!" he cried, setting her down.

"Thank you, I'm glad it did it justice-" her eyes went wide as she noticed her crowd of three.

They all walked over, telling Lydia she did really well. 

"I even got some good shots of you." Mark said, looking through his camera roll.

Lydia's face flushed. "Were you guys listening the entire time?"

"Hard not to listen when you're so talented! You're almost as good as Josh."

Lydia scoffed,"Is that a challenge?"

"Maybe." Tyler shot back, flashing his teeth.

"Fine. I can play any Twenty One Pilots song you throw my way. Bring it."

"Drum roulette?" Josh questioned, smiling at the concept.

"You got yourself a challenge." Tyler nodded, a wicked grin spreading across his face.

"Just call 'em out. I got this." she replied, taking her seat at Josh's kit once again.

Josh pulled his phone back out to film, dying to see how this would go.

"Ode to sleep." 

Lydia smirked and began to drum out the beats to the chorus. She was still playing when Tyler called out the next song.

"Doubt."

She transitioned easily into the last verse, mouthing the words as she went along. As they continued, Lydia started actually singing and Tyler let her play longer and longer.

"Heavy Dirty Soul."

Lydia laughed and started from the beginning- impressing Tyler. She rapped just as fast, if not faster than he did.

"Holding onto you."

Lydia slowed it down just slightly so she could sing it versus rap it. Tyler couldn't help but notice Josh staring intently at Lydia as she sang the chorus.

_"You are surrounding, all my surroundings_

_sounding down the mountain range, of my left-side brain_

_You are surrounding, all my surroundings_

_twisting the Kaleidoscope,   behind both of my eyes._

_and I'll be holding onto you"_

Lydia smiled faintly as she made eye contact with Josh while she sang.

"Lane boy.'

Lydia played Lane boy the hardest, getting just as into it as josh did, shaking her head and jumping in her seat.

Tyler thought he'd give her more of a challenge and go back to their earlier stuff.

"Kitchen sink"

Lydia hesitated for only a moment, but no one noticed. Lydia progressed into the middle eight of the song. This was the most emotional part of the song for her and she couldn't sing it out. Harder and harder she hit the drums- she was going to let them do the talking. She closed her eyes, feeling the beats with every fiber of her being. On the  very last bar of the song with drum beats her left stick snapped in half, flying across the stage past Josh. Everyone stood there, shocked and unable to speak. Lydia was still breathing hard, looking down at the kick drum when Josh walked over to her, the broken half of the stick in hand.

"I think you dropped something." He laughed, but his happy expression faltered when he saw her face.

"Hey, you alright?" he asked, touching her shoulder as she stood.

Lydia nodded, taking the stick from Josh and walking past everyone else to the back steps of the stage.

"What just happened? " Tyler inquired, coming to stand beside Josh.

"I'm not sure. I think she's upset about the stick? Or maybe she got too caught up in the song?" Josh speculated, going to follow her. 

Tyler stopped him, patting him on the arm, "I've got this one."

He found Lydia sitting on the stairs,  her knees pulled up to her chest.

"Are you gonna live?" he asked, taking a seat beside her.

"Yeah, I just needed a moment to myself."

"Kitchen Sink gets to you, huh?"

"It's what I put on no matter what I feel. It helps me when I can't sleep. I'm very emotionally invested in it because it's the first song I ever successfully learned on my drums."

"It's important to you. So you aren't upset?"

"Not really. Kinda bummed I broke my stick because my mom got them for me for my birthday, but otherwise I'm fine.'

"When I wrote that song, I just wanted to express that if you create a moment, or a piece of art that is purely your own, that you can hold onto that. If you have something so special that only you understand it and only you can explain what you meant, then that's something for you to hold onto. Is that what resonates with you?"

Lydia agreed, "Exactly. If i just keep in mind that one thing, that one moment, like the kitchen sink for you, then it reminds me not to go to that dark place in my head. I have a few of them, but sometimes it isn't enough and i still travel there. It just makes me question what it is that's keeping me here. What if my kitchen sink hasn't happened yet?"

"I think everyone has that existential dilemma. What's the point? Why am I alive? The point of the song is to remember to stay alive long enough to find out. You'll find it." Tyler reassured her, extending his hand to help her up. She took it and they made their way back to the main stage. 

"Hey Lydia I think I can fix your stick. I mean you wouldn't be able to use them but at least it'd be in one piece."

"It's all good. " she smiled, standing on her tip toes to put Josh's hat back on his head.

Josh looked at her, confused.

"I'm really okay, silly. I just needed a minute."

Lydia wasn't faking this time. Josh believed her, and more importantly, she believed herself.


	8. VIII. You were Red(And you liked me because I was Blue)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everybody goes swimming, and there's a reference to Josh being underwater with the go pro like in the ERS highlight. There are bad puns, chicken fighting, Lydia talks about losing weight and being an equestrian and the adventure to go re-dye hair. Josh and Lydia almost have a moment.

"C'mon Lydia I want to go swimming before it gets too late!" Jenna whined, dragging her back to the hotel. 

Lydia sighed; she had promised to go swimming with Jenna and the boys.

She was mentally going through her wardrobe to decide what would cover her arms enough to hide her scars. Lydia dug through her clothes, praying for something she could pass off as not suspicious to no avail. She picked out another crop top similar to the one she already had already been wearing. She thought of just keeping that one on, but her sweat had soaked through the back. The sleeves of this one were slightly shorter, but covered the marks effectively. Lydia peeled the grey one off, taking a minute to let the AC cool the skin of her back. Jenna walked back into the room and Lydia Hastily pulled the new shirt over her bra.

"You don't have a swim shirt?  I could loan you one of mine so you don't have to wear your bra in the pool." Jenna observed as Lydia pulled on a pair of purple board shorts.

"Jenna, as much as getting out of boob jail would be nice, Mine are too big to fit in your top."

"Boob jail?" she laughed, closing the door behind them and heading down to the pool.

Tyler and Josh had even been kind enough to wait to get in the water. Tyler rushed over to Jenna, grabbed her hand and ran to the edge of the pool and jumped in. Josh looked at Lydia with a sly grin.

"Joshua Dun. Don't you Dare."

Josh grabbed her hand anyway, but Lydia planted her feet, sliding across the tile around the pool as he dragged her.

"Live a little. You're not scared of water are you?"

"No, I'm not scared of water! AHH!!PUT ME DOWN!" She shouted as Josh picked her up over his shoulder. 

"JOOOOSH!!!!!"  She screamed through the water as they broke through the surface. It was icy compared to the air outside. 

They surfaced and she glared at Josh. She would have her revenge. Lydia swam away to join Jenna and Tyler. She waited until Josh was distracted with the waterproof go pro. She dove under the water swimming up behind josh and looping her arms around his chest, pulling him under. Tyler laughed as he watched Josh's legs flail upward before they slipped through the inner tube he had around his body. She grinned wickedly through the clear water at Josh before swimming away, hair splaying everywhere. He caught up with her rather quickly.

"Lydia!"

"That's what you get  for throwing me in the pool!" She splashed him for emphasis.

"Jeez. Well obviously you have no problem swimming little mermaid!" he joked, splashing her back. 

"I'm clearly a shark," she countered, gesturing to her hair, "You're the mermaid, with your red hair. Well, actually its looking a little blonde. We should re dye it, I've been meaning to re-do mine anyway since my brown is showing through a little more than I'd like."

"Yeah we can do that after we're done swimming I guess." Josh agreed.

"Chicken fight?" Jenna asked, Kicking water on Josh and Lydia from atop Tyler's shoulders.

"I dunno Josh. I'm a little heavy." she teased, elbowing his arm.

"Pfft, I just picked you up like twenty minutes ago. You weigh like 10 pounds. "

"Don't you mean twenty- _one minutes ago?_ "

"I hate you. Now get your butt up here so we can kick their butt. " he replied, shaking his head and crouching down as low as he could. Lydia got on his shoulders after some difficulty, but eventually Josh's strong arms were wrapping around her thighs to keep Lydia in place. Jenna and Lydia locked hands and the chicken fight began.

Lydia burst out laughing, " The farm girl versus the model. You're so going down Jenna! I've thrown hay bales that were heavier than you!"

"Oh, yeah?" she countered, pushing back hard. Lydia locked her legs around Josh's neck, nearly choking him.

"Girl, you cannot push down an equestrian that easy. Thighs of steel man." Lydia shoved Jenna. She wobbled and almost took Tyler down with her. Josh and Tyler exchanged looks and smirked prior to dropping both girls in the water. Lydia surfaced before Jenna, Flicking her legs furiously to splash them.  She swam away after she was content, pulling herself out of the water and flopping down onto the concrete. The water spilled across the ground, soon to dry and evaporate.

_I wish my emotions would evaporate_. She thought as Josh sat down beside her.

"Why don't you just sit in a chair instead?" he asked, looking out at his best friend and his wife.

"The concrete is warmer and I'll dry a little faster this way."

Josh stared at her waist, the ink of her tattoo of Harley  creeping out from behind her hip, but beside it were stretch marks. They ran up and down her skin like bolts of lightening.

"What are you staring at Josh?"

"Your stretch marks look like lightening bolts. It's cool."

"I wish they would disappear." She mumbled, sitting up and wrapping her arms around herself to cover them.

"Nah, it's part of growing. I have some on my legs. It's not something to hide, everyone has some. You're just ghostly pale so yours show more."

"I just don't like them because everyone assumes its because I used to be bigger. I mean I was and I busted my ass to get my weight down, but they were there before that." she explained, insecure.

"Being on the bigger side is not the worst thing in the world. It doesn't make you any less of a person." Josh said softly.

" It may as well in the equestrian scene. It's super elitist- you have to look a certain way. I can't do anything about my height. Even judges can be discriminatory if you're not a tall , thin rider. It was more for Harley than what everyone at shows whispers from the sidelines where they think you can't hear them. The lighter you are, the easier it is on your horse. They can run faster, jump more easily, but it still wasn't good enough. I'd still hear things like my saddle was cheap or my horse was just a dumb Tennessee Walker cross with big feet. I couldn't win. 

"If everyone is a jerk about it then why show? Why not just ride and enjoy it?"

"Same reason you swallow your anxiety and play in front of people. I love it and I needed to showcase Harley's transformation.  I adopted him and rehabilitated him and retrained him. He was so spiteful in the beginning. He would try and scare me off him, it took me three months just to get him to stand still long enough for me to get on. I've fallen off him more times than i can count- I'm a professional at this point. I kept getting hurt and a lot of people kept telling me to quit, that he was a hopeless case, but I saw his potential. and it paid off. Not everyone in the horse world is a snob, but there's always a few and proving bitches wrong and succeeding is better than anything in the world."

"you're right about that." Josh agreed, standing and offering his hand to Lydia. She took it and was yanked upwards in about a second.

"Josh, I swear you're going to rip my arm out one day."

"Sorry. Sometimes I forget how strong I am."

"Dude, you're a damn beast compared to me." Lydia replied. She often forgot how strong Josh was too. He was so sweet and funny and gentle. She couldn't imagine him getting angry- and she didn't want to. That was a terrifying thought.

"Lets go get dressed and get dye,yeah?" he suggested, walking over to Jenna and Tyler to tell them they were leaving.

Lydia stood and wrapped a towel around her body. Josh walked back over to join her and go back to the hotel. The pair made their way upstairs to the room and got dressed separately. Lydia came back out into the hallway, pulling on her Stitch Snap back. Josh looked up from his phone and smiled.

_Damn she's cute in a hat_. He thought to himself, googling the nearest place with hair dye.

"There's a Sally's within walking distance if you're up for that."

"You know, I happen to thoroughly enjoy a walk." Lydia chuckled, tilting her head to the side.

"Alright let's get going then."

Lydia hesitated. "Lead the way. You've got the GPS silly."

"Oh, yeah." he answered, heading for the sidewalk.  

The entire walk itself took nearly thirty minutes and the heat was starting to get to Lydia when they finally reached the Sally's.

"Ugh, this is why I don't live in Florida." Lydia sighed upon entry.

"Where are you from again?" Josh inquired, picking up various shades of red and pink.

"Virginia. Don't use that. It'll wash out in like a week."

"Oh, well i guess you'd know better than me."

"Go with the Ion Semi-permanent." she said, handing him a deep shade of red.

"Aaaand we need developer.... ah here it is. a bowl, and a brush, Now what do I want?" Lydia mumbled to herself, collecting things as she went. She found herself torn between the same shade of midnight blue she already had and a deep violet.

She held them up for Josh, indecisive, " Which one?" 

"Well, you could do the purple over the fading parts and over the blue a little and you'd have tones of both. That would look pretty."

"Sounds like a plan." she replied, putting the blue back in its place.

"You don't use bleach?" Josh questioned, noticing he had none in her hands.

"Nope. I just do it over the brown. The last time i bleached my hair it was completely destroyed." She explained, setting their items on the counter.

They were greeted by an older woman with a sweet smile.

"Aww, I love it when couples come in together. You guys are as cute as can be." she commented, bagging up their purchase.

"That's very sweet of you but we're not together. We're just friends." Lydia said, and Josh swore he heard disappointment in her tone.

"Ah, I see. That'll be $22.87 dear."

Lydia reached for her wallet but Josh stopped her.

"I got this one. Most of it's for me anyway."

Lydia hated when people paid for things for her, but she let it go. They exited back out into the heat and started back for the hotel.

"God it's hot. I swear I'm gonna jump right back into the pool. Lydia will you carry me?" Josh complained about ten minutes into their walk.

"Are you serious?"

"I was kidding, but if you want to I won't object. Walking is a lot of work." 

Lydia shook her head.

"Fine, Jump on you four-year old." she replied, leaning over.

"Whoa, you're more dense than you look." Lydia remarked, adjusting to his weight after he got on.

"Are you calling me fat?"

"Yes, Josh, You're totally fat."

His legs rested on top of each of Lydia's hip bones and she wrapped her arms under his knees. After about fifteen minutes Josh could tell Lydia was tired and touched his feet to the sidewalk.

"Okay, your turn." he said bending his knees to get lower.

"Josh, I'd have to jump to get up there."

"It's only ten more minutes and it's only fair."

Lydia sighed internally. Her thighs were raw from brushing against each other and it was starting to hurt.

"Alright, just don't drop me." she agreed, jumping onto Josh's back. He secured his arms under her knees and started walking again.

"Hey, I'm almost as tall on you as I am on Harley. It's like home up here."

"So that's the only time you're tall, huh?" he teased, which earned his ribs a harsh squeeze from Lydia.

"oofh!" he breathed, feeling his ribs go inward.

"Okay sorry. You could probably break them if you really wanted to."

"More than likely." she concurred, resting her chin on his shoulder.

Soon enough, they were back at the venue.

"Let's go get your hair colored. To the bus!" Lydia pointed and Josh took off running.

"JOOOOOSSSHHH!!!" she squealed, holding onto him for dear life.

"What? You ride a 1600 pound animal that could kill you at any second but that scared you? Really?"

"Shut up. I just wasn't ready that's all." She remarked, hopping down and climbing the steps to the bus.

"Go get towels and I'll get started with mixing things together." Lydia requested, going to grab a shirt she wouldn't mind getting dye on.

Josh came back just in time to see the bottom of her shirt fall over her hips.

"See something you like?" she taunted. As long as he didn't see her arms, she didn't care.

Josh blushed ever so slightly. "Sorry, bad timing."

"Nah, It's good. I really don't care. Now come sit and take your shirt off."

Josh did as he was asked, sitting on the edge of the small tub. Lydia only mixed an ounce of dye and developer since he didn't have much to cover up. She'd rather have to make more than waste any. In a matter of minutes, she had finished applying the dye to his hair.

"That's gotta sit for 30 minutes. You can help me do mine- if you want to." she added quickly.

"I have nothing better to do while I wait."

"Solid evidence." she said, rinsing the bowl and mixing up her violet dye.

"Just start from the top and work down since that's where most of the brown is showing."

"What do I... do I just brush it on?"

"Yeah, just make sure you get underneath all the layers."

"Okay, Cool." he responded, feeling slightly embarrassed that the answer had been so simple.

Lydia turned on her music, setting it to shuffle.  A string and piano cover of  _Ride_ came on. Lydia closed her eyes while Josh worked on her hair, singing softly along and playing the piano part out on her knees.

Josh smiled, letting her voice fall on his ears. She sounded comfortable; she sounded like home. Lydia's voice traveled off and she began to feel so relaxed she was falling asleep. She swayed and jolted awake.

"Whoa, you okay there?"

"Yeah, I just tend to relax too much when people play with my hair. It's what my mom did to get me to go to sleep when I was little."

"Oh, I thought you were gonna pass out or something."

"Yeah, that'd be fun to explain. I don't think I've ever passed out in my life to be honest."

Josh took a seat beside her, setting the bowl on the sink when he was finished. The music was interrupted by a phone call and Lydia promptly reached over to silence it.

"Ethan?"

"Yup. Let me just set his contact to no ring. You'd think he would get the picture. It's been like five months."

"Some guys are more dumb than others." he concluded.

"And you'd know from experience?" she teased, changing the subject.

Josh narrowed his eyes, but couldn't help but smirk. He smeared his hand through his hair and wiped it across Lydia's nose.

"Josh!"

"What? Now you look like Rudolph." he laughed as Lydia spread violet dye across his cheek.

"What is with you and Christmas?"

"What is with you and Halloween?" he fired back.

_Colors_ by Halsey came on next in the shuffle and Lydia grinned.

"Well that's appropriate timing. My hair is blue and yours is red."

_You're ripped at every edge but you're a masterpiece._

Josh thought those words in particular fit Lydia perfectly. There were so many broken pieces of her, but that's what made her beautiful. Regardless of how deep her demons were, she was still kind and radiant- a work of art.

_You were red and you liked me because I was blue  
You touched me and suddenly I was a lilac sky  _

The two looked at each other, much closer than they thought, their lips just inches apart. Josh's mocha brown eyes stared longingly into the arctic blue of Lydia's.

"Hey Lydia, can I tell you something?" Josh swallowed.

She nodded,"Anything." Her heart was racing;why was he looking at her like that?

"I really-" 

The alarm for his hair went off on her phone.

"Time to wash it out. Now, what were you gonna tell me?"

Josh lost his nerve. "Just that I really think you need more purple with your red." he lied, swiping some of her dye off her hair and spreading it into the red that was already on her nose.

"Really? What are you like four?" she snorted, stepping over the edge of the tub to grab the detachable shower head.

"Lean over the edge and I'll rinse it out for you."

Josh did as she asked and Lydia washed out his newly blood red hair. Once the water ran clear Lydia wrapped a towel  around his hair, twisting it into a towel turban.

"I can never figure out how to do that."he marveled at her work.

"It's easy. I'll show you when I put mine up later. Go wash your face, you've still got dye on your cheek."

"Don't you need help with your hair?"

"Nope. I've done it enough I'm pretty good at it at this point."

Soon her hair was rinsed and up in a towel as well. She cleaned up their mess, scrunching the towel through her hair in an effort to dry it faster. Lydia walked over to Josh to take his towel and hang it up. She brushed her fingers through his hair and was jealous.

"Yours is already almost dry. So not fair..." she drifted off and turned to find Jenna's bag in search of a blow dryer. After obtaining it, she returned to the bathroom, plugged it in and set to work to dry her hair. It was only about half dry when she finally gave up.

"Good enough. Excited for tonight?"

"Always. This is my favorite thing in the world." Josh replied, and while this was the truth, he felt a bit of anxiety in the pit of his stomach.

"This color is amazing. Good choice Josh." Lydia complimented, looking at it through the camera of her phone.

"Thanks. Can I get in the picture too?"

"Sure."

Lydia was struggling, trying to get them both in the picture. She simply couldn't get her arm up that high.

"Here, I'll get it. "

 Josh offered, taking out his phone.

"Better. Do you know how hard it is to fit an entire horses face in a photo with short arms?"

"Are you implying that I'm a horse?"

"No Josh you're just tall and I have the arms of a T-Rex."

"What's your're instagram name again?"

"SpookyHarley. One word, no space."

Josh posted the picture with the caption;

_@SpookyHarley the best sound tech ever did my hair._

_"_ Now everyone will know who's responsible for this gloriousness." he said, gesturing to his hair.

Lydia's phone lit up for about the sixth time.

"I wish he'd stop calling."

"Maybe you should answer it and tell him off?" Josh suggested.

"Not today. I'm in too good of a mood, and i have a feeling that would be an ugly conversation and I do not want you hear it."

"I could tell him off for you." he offered. He just wanted this jerk to back off so she could be free of him.

"No, I think that's something I need to do myself. I just don't have the strength today."

"Alright. Let me know if you change your mind. It makes no difference to me what he thinks of me."

"Fair enough. I'll think about it. C'mon, we gotta get ready. Second sound check starts soon."

"Oh, right. I forgot. Thank you for doing my hair Lydia."

"You're welcome." she replied, closing the door to the bus behind them.


	9. IX. My voice is just a whisper (Louder than the screams you hear )

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> there is a panic attack in this chapter, so this is the official trigger warning.  
> Josh admits something to Tyler, Lydia does something very teen wolf (hah), Lydia admits something to Jenna, Tyler and Jenna text each other about something. that was vague as i dont know what but I cant give everything away.  
> Stay sick, Stay street, Stay safe, and Stay Alive. |-/

It was only ten minutes until Josh and Tyler took the stage. Lydia was helping with last minute touches, making sure the lift kit on Josh's drums and the locks on Tyler's piano were in place and reinforced. Lydia took a deep breath and headed to find the boys to tell them to go slay the stage.

Lydia traveled down the hallways until she found herself at the boy's dressing room. Josh was alone, fidgety and jumpy.

"Josh? Josh are you okay?"

"I don't know. My anxiety's up. This is the 15th show we've played. I wasn't this nervous the first night. I don't know why -I just." He wiped a shaking hand across his forehead and it came back slick with sweat. He stripped off his red Jacket, tossing it to the couch across the room.

"Here. Drink my water. I haven't even opened it." she said, sitting on the trunk beside him.

"Come here." Lydia had him lay down across her lap, playing with his hair and rubbing small circles into his skin.

"Breathe deep, hold it for five seconds. You're teetering on the edge of an anxiety attack, and I want to stop it before it starts."

"How did you know?"

"I have them all the time, you've seen me have one. I know it when I see it. Hold my hand and squeeze."

Josh took hold of Lydia's free hand and she secretly wished he'd never let it go. 

"I wish my drums weren't set up yet. I need to focus on something. I usually just hit harder when i get like this."

"Do you want me to sing? Would that help if you focused on my voice?"

Josh nodded, squeezing his eyes shut and taking another strangled breath.

Lydia decided to sing along to the song that was still playing from the one headphone in her ear.

 "  _I_   _don't know where you're going,_  
_But do you got room for one more troubled soul_  
 _I don't know where I'm going,_  
 _But I don't think I'm coming home_  
 _And I said, I'll check in tomorrow if I don't wake up dead_  
 _This is the road to ruin and we're starting at the end_

   _Say, yeah_  
Let's be alone together  
We could stay young forever  
Scream it from the top of your lungs, lungs, lungs ..."

Josh was tapping out the kick drum beats with his foot that hung over the side of the trunk. His eyes were still shut tightly, his body still shaking.

"Josh. Josh you gotta relax." Lydia paused in singing, trying to sound as soothing as possible.

"I'm- I'm trying."

"I'm here as long as you need me. I won't leave you."

Josh Despised  this. He hated letting anyone see him when he was vulnerable. She tried tapping out the beats on his shoulder along with his foot and continued to sing softly. Josh finally opened his eyes, his breathing more even now that the threat of a full blown attack had subsided. He sat up, looking at Lydia with guilt in his expression.

"Don't you dare. Don't you dare apologize." She stopped him before he even went there, wrapping her arms tightly around him. 

"You pick me up every time I fall apart, I can at least do the same for you." She whispered.

Josh eventually pulled away from her embrace, and Lydia placed her hands on each of his shoulders.

"Josh. You're going to be fine. You're gonna go out there and play with your best friend and be sickening and kill it. Tyler has your back and I'm sure he's nervous too.Don't feel bad that it happened, okay?"

He nodded in agreement. Some of his red shadow had run down his cheek from the one tear his anxiety had let escape.

"Here, " Lydia said, pulling a small towel from her back pocket and wiping it away, "Perfect."

Josh finally cracked a smile.

"Thank you." he said, barely audible.

Lydia kissed his forehead. "Get out there Spooky. Show 'em what you got." She hugged him one last time and took off to go back to the sound board.

Tyler passed Lydia as she hurried out of the room, pairing up with Josh who stared down the now empty hallway.

"You alright Josh?"

"Yeah, I am now. " he replied, pulling on his tie to loosen it and pulling his Jacket on once more.

Josh contemplated for a moment before turning to Tyler.

"Tyler, I don't think I like Lydia."

"WHAT?! What are you talking about? You just said like three days ago you did! I don't-" Tyler ceased when he finally looked at Josh, realizing now what he meant. The look on his face was one of both clarity and fear.

"I think I love her."

Tyler softened even further. "You have to tell her man.You need to tell her."

Josh shook his head in conflict. 

"I can't. I can't ask her to give up her entire life in Virginia for me. Lydia has school and her horse there, but I know her well enough to know that she would do it. I know how self-less she is but I can't expect or ask that of her. I want her to finish college and be the psychologist she dreams of being. She just stopped me from having a panic attack just before you got here. Lydia's going to be great at helping people and I'm not worth throwing that away on."

"Josh you are more than worth it. She doesn't have to give up anything- you guys could make it work. You are so much happier with her and she's happier with you. I want to see you continue to be happy Josh."

"I just don't see how it could work Tyler. We have to get out there soon so can we just drop it for now?"

"We can talk about it later then."

Josh pulled his mask over his face, wishing he could hide behind it forever.

 **> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>** 

Lydia had been keeping a watchful eye on Josh, his  words form earlier echoing in her mind:  _I usually just hit harder when I get like this._

He'd broken three sticks already and it was putting her on edge.

"Does Josh seem a little tense to you?" Father John asked, seemingly reading her mind.

Lydia nodded her head fervently.

"Yeah, I'm really worried. Can I go Check on him please?"

"I can handle it Darling. Go."

Lydia Sprinted, knowing that the time that Josh had backstage was short before he got back on for Polarize.

Tyler was already with him, trying desperately to calm him.

"Josh are you sure you're okay?" He asked, watching his friends entire body shake as he paced back and forth. Josh started to hyperventilate as he sunk to the ground against the wall.

"Josh!" Lydia cried out, kneeling down and grabbing both of Josh's hands in hers.

"Josh, look at me." He met her gaze, the red around his eyes smeared everywhere.

"You need to to breathe or you're going to pass out. You have to try."

He shook his head , telling her that he couldn't.

"Maybe we should stop the show."Tyler said. He loathed seeing Josh this way and  he couldn't bear the thought of making him perform.

"N-no!"Josh was starting breathe even faster.

Lydia was starting to panic herself; she couldn't think of what to do. Josh was too upset to hold his breath himself. Lydia finally made a decision to do something drastic.

Lydia kissed Josh.

His eyes went wide and she heard his breath catch in his throat, and she stayed for several seconds.Tyler just stood there in shock. 

Lydia pulled away, standing and pulling Josh up with her.

Josh looked down at her in awe. "What? Why?" he stumbled, confused.

"When I kissed you, it surprised you and made you hold your breath. Boom, regular breathing pattern. I got the idea from a show I watch, I wasn't even sure it would work- I just had to hope that it would."

"Well...uhm it certainly did." Tyler commented, unsure of what else to say.

"The intros almost over. You better get out there. You've got playing to do." she smiled, turning to run back to her place. 

Josh hurried back to his drums, wondering if it had actually mean anything.

Lydia was freaking out internally. What the hell had she been thinking? That was going to be an awkward conversation later. It had meant something more to her, but probably not to Josh and it definitely had not been what she envisioned that moment to be like.

_Fuck._

Before she knew it, the boys were up on their platforms, being held up by the crowd as they played the last part of trees. Every time Josh looked up, she caught him looking in the direction of the sound board. The confetti cannons went of, covering Josh, Tyler, and most of the pit as they finished. Lydia hurried off the platform , cutting through the crowd to get backstage for tear down. As much as she wanted to avoid the conversation, she needed to check on Josh again. She found them, sitting down for a moment and drinking water. Josh was laughing again. She let out a sigh of relief, walking past their dressing room and hoping Josh didn't see her.

"Lydia!" Josh was jogging after her. She paused and turned to face him reluctantly.

"I'm sorry if that was weird earlier.I Just didn't know what else to do but I had to do something-" she rambled, trying to make it seem believable.

"So it was just a split second decision?" he asked.

"Yeah. Did you think it was something else?"

_Did he want it to mean something?_

"No, but I wouldn't have snapped out of it if you hadn't done it."

 _So it didn't mean anything._ He thought sadly.

Lydia wrapped her arms around Josh.

"Lydia I'm all sweaty!" he laughed, trying to push her off to no avail.

"I don't care. I'm just glad you're okay." she retorted, pulling away.

"I gotta help with Tyler's piano. I'll see you in a little while. Go get some rest." She turned to go, tears welling up in her eyes. 

She hadn't realized that in the past few months she'd gotten exceedingly close to Josh. Lydia didn't connect the dots and acknowledge how deep her feelings went until she had seen Josh like that. She never wanted to see him hurting or upset like that again. It hurt her and she felt so stupid for not having figured it out sooner.

Lydia was completely in love with Josh.

She threw herself into the work as a distraction, but even after they had packed up the trailer, her mind was still going a million miles an hour. Lydia quickly headed back to the bus to shower and change before they left the venue. That way she could already be asleep in her bunk and they wouldn't bother her. To her dismay, Jenna was already on the bus. She looked up from her phone at Lydia and immediately recognized that something wasn't right. Jenna stood and crossed the bus to get to her.

"Lyddie, What's wrong?" she asked gently, running her hand along her shoulder.

And that was all it took. Lydia broke, completely losing it, crying and crying with no indication of it stopping.

"Shh. Shh. It's alright." Jenna led her to the window seat to steady her, fearing her legs would not hold her up much longer. Jenna waited patiently knowing better than to push Lydia for an answer.

Lydia finally regained her ability to speak and explained everything.

"And now I feel so stupid because I didn't realize it sooner."

"Realize what sweetie?"

She finally removed her eyes from the floor to look at Jenna.

"I'm in love with Josh." she admitted almost so quietly Jenna couldn't hear her.

"Oh, sweetheart." Jenna just pulled her close, not knowing what else to do or say.

"I just can't deal with everyone right now." Lydia said, hearing voices drift closer to the bus.

"Just tell them I went to bed already? Jenna please." she begged, climbing up into her bunk and closing the curtain behind her. She could change into her sleep shirt in there. Lydia was pulling off her jeans as she heard the boys board the bus.

"Hey Jenna have you seen Lydia? I can't find her anywhere."

"She's in bed already Josh. She's exhausted." Jenna half-lied. She  _was_  already in her bed.

_Thank you Jenna._

"Oh, okay. We have had a long day..." he concluded, accepting this as truth.

Josh walked to the back of the bus, pausing at Lydia's closed curtain, but kept going rather than wake her up.

Lydia did drift to sleep fairly quickly, letting her tired body have its way.

Tyler came over and sat next to his wife. Her face told a story of conflict.

"Something's up. What is it?"

"Tyler I'm okay. Everything is fine."

"I know you better than that. That's your worried face."

Jenna pulled out her phone and texted him so no one would hear her say it.

 **Jenna** : Lydia just told me she's in Love with Josh.

Tyler looked at the screen with wide eyes. He answered her almost instantly.

 **Tyler** : Josh told me the same thing about Lydia earlier.

 **Jenna** : Should we say something to them? They're both upset

 **Tyler** : I just don't know. I don't think we should meddle. Josh is super confused about the kiss, but he's not sure if it meant anything. Clearly it meant more.

 **Jenna** : I think we should give them some more time to figure it out and if they don't, then we'll tell them????

 **Tyler** : I think that's the best plan we've got. 

Tyler looked over at his best friend. Josh's eyebrows were furrowed in deep thought as he pulled away the curtain to the bunk beneath Lydia's. He turned back to Jenna and nodded, standing and heading for Josh. He told him goodnight and reassured him that he was here if he needed him. Josh Finally climbed into bed, dreaming of the girl who slept above him.


	10. X. Hold onto me (I'm a Little unsteady)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh has a dream, lydia has a night terror, and just pure fluff and comfort ensues.

_Lydia giggled as Josh nuzzled her neck playfully._

_"Why is your heart beating so fast?" he asked, feeling her pulse pound against his cheek._

_"Because you make me nervous- In an excited kinda way though."_

_He smirked, pushing his body closer to hers so they were against the wall._

_"Oh, I make you excited huh?" He asked, breathing softly along the side of her neck, his lips brushing her ear slightly as he spoke._

_"Especially when you do that." She sighed, running her hands up his hips and up further onto his chest._

_"How about when I do this?" Josh teased, kissing and biting along her skin, eliciting a soft moan from her lips._

_"Yes sir." She breathed, biting her lip._

_"Sir?" Josh pulled away, looking down at her._

_"Sorry, habit." Lydia blushed, looking away._

_"It's okay. I like it actually." He admitted. He had never had any girl call him that, but he felt himself harden even further against his jeans. Josh brushed the hair from Lydia's face and leaned down to touch his lips to hers. Once they were connected, lust spread like wildfire between them. Josh ran his hands down her legs, grabbing the back of her thighs._

_"Jump." He commanded._

_Lydia leapt up, wrapping her legs around Josh's waist. She rolled her hips against him, moving her lips from his for a moment to bite him gently. Josh growled deep in his throat from the pressure, weaving his hand into her hair and pulling just hard enough to pull her away. Her head went backwards obediently along with his hand, a small noise of pleasure escaping from her parted lips. Josh couldn't recall when Lydia's shirt had been taken off, but it was gone now and out of the way. Lydia clawed her nails into the muscles of his back, which only made him more aggressive._

_Josh carried her over to the bed, throwing her down onto the soft surface and borderline tearing off his shirt, He leaned over her, hands on either side of her body. Josh took a moment to marvel at the sight beneathe him. Beautiful, glacial eyes stared up at him, surrounded by fair skin, flowing hair the color or the night sky and curves to die for. He felt so lucky to have her._

_"What are you staring at?" She laughed._

_"A masterpiece." He responded, moving lower to ghost his lips down her body. Josh paused at her chest._

_"Is this okay?" he asked before he went any further._

_Lydia nodded in consent, "Please."_

_He continued further, nipping here and there. He got all the way down to the bones of her hips, running his fingers delicately across them. Lydia's back arched off the bed at the sensation. Josh grabbed the waist of her jeans and slid them off her legs. There was only one piece of clothing that stood in his way. He reached to slide them down when Lydia started saying no, over and over. He retreated immediately._

_"It's okay. We don't have to do anything you don't want to. I don't want-"_

_She started screaming, covering her face in terror._

_"Lydia! Lydia! What's wrong?" he was afraid that he had hurt her somehow._

_The screaming continued and he tried to calm her to no avail. She started to scream his name._

Josh jolted awake; Lydia was still screaming. He leapt out of his bunk, pulling her curtain open just in time for her to thrash out of her bed, Josh trying desperately to catch her. She continued to yell, struggling like someone was hurting her or trying to pin her down. Lydia started swinging at Josh, and he took every blow as he attempted to wake her. After several hits, he managed to pull her out of her slumber. Tears ran in cascades down her face as she looked up at him.

"Josh." She whispered, hugging him tightly around his neck as Tyler and Jenna came out of their room to see what was wrong. They saw Josh holding Lydia up as she cried non-stop. Josh just stood there and held her, reassuring her that she was safe.

"What happened? Is Lydia hurt?"

"No. She just had a really bad dream from the looks of it. She fell out of the bed Tyler. If i hadn't heard her she would have hit the floor. I got her guys, you can go back to bed. " Josh explained. He needed to be there for her now like she was there for him earlier.

"Are you sure?" Jenna asked, full of concern.

Josh nodded and his friends reluctantly left to go back to sleep.

"Do you wanna tell me what happened?" Josh whispered, kneeling in front of Lydia after he set her down on his bed.

She nodded, gripping her shirt at the hem that covered her bare knees for dear life, fists shaking.

"Ethan came to see me. He wasn't angry at first. We were actually having a decent conversation. He was apologizing and being reasonable about everything and I called him a liar and ...." her voice cracked. Josh waited patiently, looking at her with his soft  eyes.

"It's okay."

"He got me on the ground somehow and he started to beat the hell out of me. I got some punches in but it was like no matter how hard I hit it didn't matter. I didn't know what else to do so I just started screaming for help and for you."

"Did I ever come?"

"I reality you did, and that's what matters."

"I'm sorry that he's terrorizing you even though he isn't here."

"I'm so tired lately because I'm scared to close my eyes Josh."

"You sleep better with me right? So you can just stay with me, okay?" he offered, standing.

"Do you want some tea?"

She nodded and Josh turned to make her a cup with the keurig. Lydia took it with shaking hands and Josh waited for her to drink it down, which only took a few minutes.

"Your throat must be heat resistant." he joked, placing her mug in the sink.

"Only to temperature, not actual heat. I can't eat spicy food, not even hot sauce."

"That's unfortunate because hot sauce is where it's at."

"My palate is just wimpy i guess, kinda like me. " she said, looking down at the floor of the bus.

"Hey, I know you could kick his ass if you really wanted to, but you won't need to. I would not let him hurt you and he will not get anywhere near you to even try. Not while I'm around."

Josh would protect her as best as he could, no matter what it took-he would do it.

Lydia was so grateful for Josh. She would have fallen off the edge a while ago without him.

"Do you want the inside or the outside?"

"Inside." she mumbled scooting inward and pulling the covers over her legs.

Josh's strong arms wrapped around her, keeping her safe. He pulled the curtain. Remembering what she had said earlier, he began to stroke his fingers through her hair trying to get her to relax. Lydia turned over to face him, snuggling into the warmth of his chest and letting her starvation for skin to skin contact fade away. Josh decided to sing- it had helped last time she had a nightmare.

   _Oh, Miss Believer, my pretty sleeper  
Your twisted mind is like snow on the road  
Your shaking shoulders prove that it's colder  
Inside your head than the winter of dead_  
  
_I will tell you I love you_  
But the muffs on your ears will cater your fears  
My nose and feet are running as we start  
To travel through snow  
Together we go  

 They were Tyler's words, but he needed to use them. Lydia smiled in the low light.

"You should sing more Josh. You have a good voice."

"I just get too nervous." he admitted. Even when he sang a little for House of Heroes, it always wracked his nerves.

"That's okay. I just like it when you sing, it's comforting." 

"That's good. I was scared it was making you more awake... or more terrified."

Lydia smacked him lightly, regretting it as she saw the bruise on his collar bone where she had struck him in her panic. Her hands would be black in the  morning, if they weren't already. She traced her fingers lightly over the skin that stretched across it.

"i'm sorry i keep hurting you." she said, her voice filled with guilt.

"It's okay. I'll say I got in a wrestling match with Tyler or something. " 

Her hand still remained on his skin and Josh placed his hand over hers.

" I would rather take a hit or two than have you suffer anymore than you already do. It's okay Lydia I know you didn't mean to." he assured her, trying to ease her mind.

"Nobody should have to hurt for someone else."

"I can handle it." he replied, wrapping his arm back around her.

"But that's not fair. I wish I didn't have dreams- i wish i could shut them off."

"Not all dreams are bad though." he said, thinking about the dream he had been having  before her nightmare had begun.

"I mean you're right, but lately it's always something frightening or something that reminds me of home. I either wake up sad or scared or i realize it's a situation that will never happen."

"Like what?"

"I'll dream of riding Harley and I'll wake up happy and then miss him. or I have the delusion that I'm in a normal relationship and actually happy. I just feel like I'm too much of a mess. I can't even love myself so how is anyone else going to?"

"When someone can make you see all the wonderful things about you that you don't see in yourself- that's love. I understand what you mean though, I didn't even like myself for a long time."

"But you're so nice and funny and talented. You're beautiful Josh."

"Exactly my point. You see all those things even when I don't always see them myself." 

Crap. Did she just inadvertently tell Josh she loved him? He was apparently too tired to catch it.

"Beautiful huh? I don't think I would go that far." he questioned.

"Cute does not cover it Josh. You're beautiful-inside and out. You're such an amazing person and a wonderful human being.  You're down right adorable sometimes.  " Lydia explained, running her fingers through his hair. Josh smiled.

"You're a pretty lovely human being yourself."

Even in the near darkness, their close proximity allowed him to feel the heat from her cheeks as she blushed.

"Not on the inside I'm afraid." she disagreed.

"Everyone has a dark place. Even me."

"If you knew half of things I've done, you'd probably hate me. I mean I feel like I'm putting up a wall all the time. I mean I'm a genuinely nice person, but it's exhausting to have to consciously try and seem okay. But at the same time, I have to because if I slip too far under, everyone gets waaay too concerned."

"I don't think I could hate you Lydia. Past mistakes make us into the person we become, but they don't necessarily define us. I wouldn't hold it against you and you wouldn't hold mine against me I'm sure. Besides, I think I've seen the worst of it and I've handled it all pretty well if you ask me."

"While you're not wrong, You also have no idea." she thought of the dirty lines of evidence on her skin that were faded, but could never be erased.

"Maybe you'll tell me one day and I'll prove you wrong."

Lydia saw the opportunity.

"yeah, just  _Not Today."_

Josh shook his head,"Goodnight Spooky Girl."

"Goodnight Spooky Jim."


	11. XI. Take my Hand,Take My whole Life too (I can't help falling in love with you)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> its Jenna's birthday, but also the anniversary of something Lydia did. Lydia makes Jenna a cake and her and Tyler and Josh perform for her birthday. Lydia tells Josh a secret.  
> PLEASE be careful, there is a huge trigger in this chapter so stay safe my dudes.

Lydia awoke with Josh's entire body wrapped around hers protectively. She reached up toward his sleeping face, running her fingertips lightly over the skin, tracing every detail and committing it to memory. Josh was a heavy sleeper, so he didn't stir for a few seconds, but when he  opened his eyes, he found serenity in what he saw. Lydia noticed he was awake and a smile crept onto her face.

Josh placed his hand over hers, laying it flat against his cheek.

"Good morning beautiful." she breathed, continuing to run her fingers over his skin. 

His eyes crinkled up at the corners as his grin grew wider. 

"You're all scruffy Josh." Lydia giggled, feeling the stubble beneath her hand.

"That tends to happen when you're a guy." he admitted, shrugging. 

As if they couldn't get any closer, Lydia cuddled even further into Josh. 

"We'll have to get up in  a few minutes I'm afraid." 

"Like how few?"

"Like..... 18- ish?" he replied, checking the time on his phone.

"That's enough time to be lazy."

"Fair enough. Moving is a lot of work." he agreed.

Lydia shifted her position, feeling something hard press against her leg.

_Oh. God_.

Josh's face turned to one of embarrassment once it registered in his brain. 

"Dude it's cool. I wake up like that sometimes too. No big deal." Lydia soothed, moving her leg back to where it was previously.

"You wake up with a hard-on? Is there something you're not telling me?"

"No.  I mean i wake up excited in the same way. Mine just isn't as ... obvious." she replied casually, trying to make it less awkward.

"Mkay, ooh it's the twelfth!"

"Is it?" Lydia whispered, sitting up too quickly and banging her head on the top of the bunk.

She bit her lip, holding back her cry of pain as tears welled up in her eyes. 

"owww." Lydia groaned, flopping back down with her face in the pillow.

"You okay?" Josh half laughed, rubbing her back.

Lydia purred, curling up at his touch.

"Are you a kitten now?"

"Maybe." she giggled, turning her head and sticking her tongue out at Josh.

Josh mirrored her actions, trying not to laugh harder than he already was. 

_June 12th._

Lydia's smile faded away as the significance of the date sunk in. Today would have made four years that she and Ethan had been together, but that also meant that it had been four years since she had attempted to take her own life.  Lydia shuddered, remembering how low she had felt. She  curled up tighter. 

_Damn._

Now her head was focusing too hard on that and she'd probably be in a slump the whole day because of it.  It was also Jenna's birthday. Lydia would have to fake them out. Josh saw her expression, snuggling up to her. 

"You wanna talk about it?" She shook her head.

"I'm okay, I was just thinking about what I was gonna draw Jenna for her birthday." 

"You don't have to lie to me. It's okay for you to not be okay."

"Maybe I'll tell you later. I'll ruin the whole day if i tell you now."

"I doubt-"

Tyler ripped open their curtain, cutting Josh off from what he was about to say.

"Whoa, am I interrupting something? "

"No, Tyler just some friendly cuddling."

"Well, I mean, Lydia's only in a shirt and you're uhm... kinda happy?" he defended.

Josh pulled the blanket over his lap. 

"CAN EVERYONE STOP POINTING THAT OUT?!"

"Does Josh have a boner again?" Jenna teased, appearing from the back of the bus.

"AGHHHHH!!!" Josh groaned in frustration.

"On that note, I have to go to the bathroom." Lydia said, crawling over Josh to get out- only perpetuating Josh's "issue".

Once Lydia had disappeared, Tyler smirked. "Bet someone would fix that for you if you asked her out."

"TYLER." Jenna reeled.

"What?" he shrugged, receiving a harsh glare from Josh, who pulled a pillow over his face.

"Happy birthday Jenna." he mumbled through the fabric.

"Thanks Josh. I'm just teasing, you know I wouldn't if I didn't love you." She turned around, running smack into Lydia.

"Happy birthday Jenna!!!!!" Lydia cried, bombarding her with a hug.

"Thank you lovely. Did you sleep well? I mean after the night terror?"

"Yeah, I had a snuggly blanket hog to keep me safe." she chuckled, and then looked at Tyler.

"Can I possibly borrow Tyler for a minute?"

"I suppose if he's willing to be loaned out." Jenna said.

"Tyler can I talk to you?"

"I dunno, can you afford me?"

"Listen Linda."

"Who's Linda? Why does she have to listen?"

"Ugh, BOY. Just come over here!"

Tyler walked his happy self over to the far end of the bus, out of earshot of Jenna.

"So I had an idea for Jenna's Birthday and I wanna run it by you since you would be involved."

Lydia had decided that regardless of her abjection, she needed to be productive- hopefully that would keep her mind off things.

"Okay what is it? I'm not a mind reader."

Lydia clasped her fingers together, wringing them in between each other. She looked down at the ground and her voice was low.

"I wanna sing for Jenna, but I wanna do a mashup. I was wondering if you and Josh would help me? Also have no idea how to play a ukulele.... " she drifted off, watching Tyler's expressions.

"Sounds good to me. What songs did you wanna do?"

"House of Gold. We could get Josh to do the drums on the cajon. And another song, I was thinking Halsey? "

Tyler went over it in his mind for a moment before coming to a conclusion. 

"Gasoline would work. Jenna really liked how you sounded with it the other day."

Lydia imagined it, humming it out and going through the rhythms.

"Yes!  I'll sing a verse, you Sing a verse, back and forth."

"Joooosssshhhhhhh!!"

"WUT?" he said, his floofy hair a mess as he joined them. 

"will you do the drums for House of gold today? Me and Tyler were gonna sing for her birthday." she asked quietly, looking small and afraid.

"Uhm, sure yeah," he replied, furrowing his brow as he passed to go to the restroom, clothes in hand.

"Don't worry, sometimes hes grumpy in the morning and we kept picking at him. He'll get over it."

"What are you guys talking about?" Jenna interrupted,making the pair jump.

"NOTHING!" they said simultaneously

"Mhmmmm." her eyes narrowed, but she couldn't resist a smile.

"I'm gonna go make your present now." Lydia informed her, turning to go to her original bunk to retrieve her pencils and sketchpad.

"Whatcha gonna draw ?"

"It wouldn't be a surprise if i told you Jenna. Give me like thirty minutes and it'll be done." Lydia Explained. She climbed into her bunk for a moment to change, pulling on her Deadpool lounge pants and  her long sleeve shirt that read  _Heavy Metal._ Lydia had already settled down at the small table to draw when josh emerged from the bathroom, wearing the same shirt.

"Well, one of us is going to have to change." Josh teased, taking his place beside her at the table to watch her draw. 

Lydia flicked on her music and set to work. Josh watched how every stroke of her pencil was thought out and meticulously placed. Soon, the skeleton sketch had turned into something resembling Tyler and Jenna. It was the scene right before they kissed in the T _ear in my Heart_ video.

"The eyes are the most important thing." Lydia whispered as she started to fill in the details.

"Why do you say that?"

"Because the eyes convey all emotion and they can't lie. You can fake a facial expression, but you can't hide pain or love in the eyes.TYLER COME HERE REALLY QUICK! " Lydia requested loudly.

He eventually showed up, "WHAT? I'm trying to get something done!!!" he over dramatized.

"Seriously though, what?"

"Think about Jenna for a minute for me and look at me."

Tyler's' eyes lit up and his goofy grin plastered his face.

"There. You see it?" Lydia asked Josh.

He nodded, knowing full well what she meant. Lydia quickly added her last details to Tyler's eyes and asked him to go get a picture of Jenna in the same fashion and bring it back.

Tyler returned shortly, sitting beside them.

"That is amazing." Tyler said quietly, resting on his elbow in awe.

"You think she'll like it?" she mumbled.

"Lydia, Jenna will love it." he assured her.

Lydia's doubt was getting to her, but she tried to shut down her automatic thoughts. Today was going to be a struggle.

"good..." she drifted off, placing the finished product in her pad.

"wanna work on our idea?"

Tyler nodded excitedly.

"Okay, so i was thinking first verse of gasoline, chorus for house of gold, second verse of gasoline, chorus for house of gold again, second verse of house of gold.."

"Whoa, whoa! slow down!" Tyler begged, trying to get it straight in his head.

"Maybe we could shorten the chorus of house of gold to just the second half of it?" he suggested.

Lydia went through it like this in her mind, envisioning what it would sound like.

"That's gonna sound amazing."

"Am I mixing beats of Gasoline in there with it?"  Josh asked, making sure he was on the same page.

"Nah, just House of Gold. You got the drums, Ty's got the Uke, and I've got the Tambourine." Lydia was starting to get excited about it, but her doubt kept gnawing at the back of her mind.

Josh knew something wasn't right, but he didn't want to bring it up in front of Tyler, but he also knew Tyler was aware. He wasn't stupid and Tyler was more observant than himself in his opinion.

"Lydia, are you alright?" Tyler asked her, already aware of the answer.

"Not really. I'll be okay though, I'll bounce back."

Tyler put his arm around her. "I know. You're stronger than you think. Josh and I have your back."

Josh nodded in agreement, placing his arm over Tyler's. Josh met eyes with his best friend and mouthed "thank you". Tyler grasped his forearm for just a moment. Both of them knew how hard it is to fight off a bad spell of depression. Lydia settled further into her seat, trying to move past it. The boys were her safe place, be it in person or in music.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

"Jenna you gotta let me make you cake."

"Lydia it's fine, really."

"One does not simply have a birthday and NOT have cake." she countered, hands firmly on the steering wheel to the van. She let Jenna have the aux cord since it was her birthday.

"What are you in the mood for Lyddie?"

"It's your birthday, you pick whatever you want."

"I have the new Ariana Grande album? Is that okay?"

"Ari is one of my guilty pleasures. Bump it." she admitted, adjusting the bass and treble of the stereo.

"Must you mess with everything?" Jenna teased as  _Into You_  permeated the space.

"I'm a sound tech, it's instinct. Also, it's not worth listening to if you can't feel the rumble of the bass in your chest. The rumble is one of my favorite parts of a concert. It's almost like feeling a second heart beat. I think that's something a lot of people take for granted because you can't feel your actual pulse all the time, but you'd notice if it stopped.... sorry I'm not making any sense. It's stupid."

"It's not stupid and it makes perfect sense."

As Lydia started to sing along to the music, Jenna made a video of it on Instagram. Eventually, they turned into the Wal-mart parking lot.

"That only took forever." Lydia fake complained. The entire point of dragging Jenna along was to distract her while Tyler and Josh set everything up for her surprise. Lydia would still need to make the cake itself, but she could commandeer Jenna to help her.

"Okay, we need french vanilla cake mix, cinnamon, apple pie filling, cream cheese, sugar, eggs, cake pans.... "  

Luckily, most of the things she needed were on the same aisle.

"How often to you bake?"

"Here and there. I'm being lazy today. I usually make everything from scratch. But I'll still want help if you're up for it?" 

"Of course." Jenna replied, grabbing the tub of cream cheese off the shelf.

"Okay we just need eggs and we'll be done."

The girls walked to gather their last few items and then to checkout.

"I'm surprised no one has recognized you Jenna.'

"They usually recognized Tyler or Josh before me. But I prefer it that Way honestly."

"I supposed. I wouldn't want that much attention either. I get too nervous around people." 

"Hence the self-checkout?"

"Bingo."

_"Please place item in the bagging area."_ the machine chimed.

"Don't tell me what to do!" she cried jokingly as she began to bag her purchase. Lydia swiped her card and waited impatiently for the receipt to print. Lydia grabbed it, sticking out her tongue and they left the store.

Jenna put  _Side to Side_ on in the van one they were back in it and on the road back to the venue.

"I give zero fucks and I got zero chill in me." Lydia rapped away to Nikki's part as Jenna Instagramed her again. Josh was the first to like it.

Lydia continued to sing it once they got back to the arena and got working on the cake.

Lydia switched on her Pandora, shuffling her pop, pop punk, EDM, and of course  _Twenty One Pilots_ stations as she mixed the batter in the bowl.  _Roman Holiday_ came out of the speakers of her phone, and Lydia started to drum on the counter with her whisks.

"You're adorable." Jenna commented, noticing her move her entire body and shake her head just like Josh did.

Jenna finished mixing the cream cheese, sugar, and cinnamon together and placed it in the fridge and left to go put on something nice.

Josh heard the tail end of the song as he entered the bus. A slower starting EDM song fell on his ears. Lydia was dancing, rotating her hips and moving her hands to every note of bass, every motion fluidly transitioning to the next one.

Lydia spun her body around, noticing Josh and slamming her waist into the counter.

"Sorry! I didn't mean to scare you!" he apologized as she shouted out.

"I just got shot dude!" Lydia yelled, clutching her side as she crumbled to the floor against the cabinets.  

Josh came over and sat next to her, and the moment he did the remnants of the cake mix spilled off the counter and onto his head. It dusted his hair and shoulders and Lydia couldn't help but laugh, covering her mouth in an attempt to stop.

"Oh yeah?" Josh chortled, shaking his hair out all over her.

"Josh!"

"Lydia!" He mimicked, standing and offering his hand. 

Josh pulled her up, her expression one of fake irritation.

"I was gonna punch you in your stupid cute face, but it would be a shame for me to mess it up." she joked.

"You can't even reach my face! HAH!"

"RUDE!"

"What's all the yelling about?" Jenna asked, smoothing her dress down. She saw the cake mix all over the two of them. "You know, I don't even want to know. I'm going to go find Tyler."

"NOOOOOO!!!!" They said in tandem.

"Just stay for a few more minutes. Josh, don't let her leave. I'm going to change."

"But-"

"NO 'BUTS'!" Lydia challenged, going to her suitcase. 

Lydia pulled out her  _Set it Off_ shirt; the bright blue always boosted her mood. She added a pair of shorts and a lavender flower crown at the last second. Lydia pulled her hair down and applied small wings of eyeliner to her lids. Just simplicity, nothing fancy.

"I feel over dressed." Jenna admitted as Lydia emerged.

"It's your birthday, Jenna. You're supposed to look the prettiest."

"I dunno, that flower crown makes it hard to compete." Jenna chuckled.

"Maybe we should all wear one? Josh I have a teal one that would look great with your red hair."

"I'll pass, but maybe later. You do look really nice in a flower crown though."

"Oh stop, you're making me blush." she said sarcastically.

_He's only saying nice things because he feels sorry for you...._

Lydia was in the middle of shutting her voices up when the timer went off, pausing her internal war in her head.She crossed the room and pulled the cake out of the oven.

"That looks so good!" Jenna cried, clapping her hands together with glee.

"I haven't even made it pretty yet." she said, sliding the cakes out of their two inch pans and onto a plate. 

"I didn't know you bake Lydia." Josh commented, joining them at the counter.

"I do a lot of things Josh." she giggled, spreading the apple filling over the top of the bottom layer. They were already cooling down.

"Josh can you grab me the frosting Jenna put in the fridge?"

"Sure thing."

Josh handed it over to her, watching as she made the two layers into one piece effortlessly. Lydia retrieved the small tubes of icing from the bag and began to decorate the cake,  filling the space with lilies and roses, and finally  _Happy Birthday Jenna._

Lydia snapped the plastic lid over the top of the base to cover the cake.

"Okay Jenna sit tight. I'll text come get you when its time to come out. " She explained, grabbing Josh's arm and the cake before Jenna could protest.

"Ready?" Josh asked Tyler upon their arrival, Tyler's floral kimono waving in the wind.

"YUP. She's gonna love it. I grabbed your sketch book for you Lydia."

Tyler had set up three chairs and Josh's cajon already, tambourine and ukulele waiting.

"You guys wanna run through it one more time? Before I get Jenna?" 

"Nah, we got this."

Josh nodded in agreement and Lydia ran excitedly to retrieve Jenna.

"It's Tiiiiimmeee!!!!" she sang up the steps. 

Jenna descended from the stairs of the bus, smiling. 

"Close your eyes.I'll guide you." Lydia said, extending her hand.

Jenna took it and followed Lydia back down to the pit to her seat.Lydia took her place between the boys. Tyler nodded, Josh gave a thumbs up and they waited for Lydia to signal that she was ready. She took a deep breath, shaking on the exhale-she was still nervous. Josh squeezed her arm gently for a moment.

"It's just us, and we love you. You're gonna be fine." he assured her.

"Okay Jenna, open your eyes."

Jenna cracked open an eye and the other followed, her entire face lighting up as Tyler began to strum out the chords on his uke. After the first few measures, Lydia's voice joined in the melody and then Tyler began to sing as well. Josh's beats were added to the arrangement. It was as if Tyler and Lydia were having a conversation through the song; back and forth they went. The tempo was a little faster than normal, taking just short of three minutes to finish.

"That was so Good! " Jenna exclaimed, delighted by her present.

She crossed the small space between them, hugging everybody and sitting down on Tyler's Lap.

"I have one more thing for you Jenna." Lydia said, pulling her sketchbook out from behind the cajon. She flipped to the drawing she had made earlier and handed it over to Jenna.

"Lyddie it's beautiful! I'm gonna frame it." Jenna declared, covering her mouth as tears welled in her eyes.

Josh moved from his spot to the chair beside Tyler to look at it once again.

"I have another present for you too." Tyler said, re- positioning his ukulele to play again.

Lydia took her place next to Josh, since he had stolen her spot. Lydia recognized the song from the first chord;  _Can't Help Falling in Love._

Josh and Lydia watched as Tyler serenaded his wife, but after awhile she was no longer focused on them- she was looking at Josh while she helped Tyler sing the last verse. She felt tears slide down her cheeks; Tyler's rendition of the song always made her cry, but this time it was for a different reason entirely. Tyler noticed the wetness that stained the bones of Lydia's face.

"Hey, you alright?"

Now everyone was looking at her.

"Yeah, " she lied, wiping her face, "Your version of that song just always makes me cry because I get hit in the feels. I'll live. You guys enjoy the cake, I'm gonna go lie down for a bit. My back is being a dick and it really hurts."

"Okay Honey, Thank you so much for all my presents, I loved all of them." Jenna said, wrapping Lydia in a hug.

"We have an interview in about an hour, so well be back around four and we have second sound check at five." Tyler informed Lydia.

"I'm just gonna nap and sleep off this ache. Wake me up when you get back?

"Absolutely, have a good nap." Josh concurred, hugging Lydia tightly.

"Will you tell me when we get back?" Josh whispered so only she could hear. Lydia nodded her head against his chest. She had to talk about it or she simply wasn't going to get through it and she could feel the worry radiating from Josh's body.

"Okay, we'll be back soon okay?" He kissed her gently on her forehead, not caring whether or not Tyler and Jenna had seen.

Lydia walked out of the arena and back to the bus, pulling off her flower crown and curling up in Josh's (and now hers) bed. It smelled just like him and it was comforting. Lydia found two ibuprofen and washed them down with a bottle of water that was still there from the night before. She settled down, not bothering with the blankets. Lydia clicked on her music player, choosing a playlist marked  _upset_.   _Valley of the Dolls_ spilled out of the phones speaker, Marinas' voice falling on her ears, soothing and solemn at the same time.

 Nearly an hour had gone by and Lydia still could not drift to sleep. She merely laid there, attempting to rest and trying not to cry. It seemed like only a few minutes had passed when everyone returned back to the bus. Josh went to open the curtain, hearing  _Anathema_ bleed softly into the small space. Lydia's eyes were smudged with black-she had been crying again.

"You didn't sleep at all did you?"

"Nope." she murmured, empty.

"You still want to tell me?"  

"Not really, but maybe I'll feel better if I do. You'll also won't understand if I don't."

"You don't have to tell me if you aren't ready to talk about it."

Josh wasn't going to force her.

"It's been four years. I need to be able to talk about it." Lydia admitted, grabbing her case with her pencils and micron pens along with her sketchpad.

"We should probably go outside." 

Lydia agreed, grabbing her sunglasses and following Josh out to the arena they would play later that night. Lydia chose her favorite seats- the ones just behind the pit. She put her feet against the seat in front of them, making a desk of her legs. Drawing would help her keep herself focused. She had just begin to sketch the outline of Tyler and Josh from the chest up when she whispered.

"How do you tell someone this?"

Josh didn't have an answer, and he had a feeling Lydia meant it as  a rhetorical question. 

"There's a reason my  _Truce_  tattoo was my first one. When I was fourteen, I finally got diagnosed with Major depression and Anxiety disorder. I got put on flouxetine and it helped for a while. But then it didn't anymore. I was doing so well with managing my depression and my mom had finally started to stop worrying about me every second of the day. Why was I gonna ruin that by saying that I was slipping again? So the twelfth of June, 2012 was different. I took my meds like I did every morning... " Lydia faltered, feeling her throat close; her voice breaking.

Josh gave her knee a reassuring squeeze.

"I was tired of everything. Tired of being alone, tired of being terrible at everything. Tired of not being good enough for anything or anyone no matter how hard I tried. Hell, I had to withdraw from vet school because I couldn't handle it. All of my coping techniques just weren't enough anymore."

Josh swallowed, knowing where this was headed. After sitting in silence for several seconds, Lydia finally spoke once more.

"You're not supposed to take half the bottle of fluoxetine at once, and you definitely aren't supposed to wash it down with almost a whole bottle of Jack.Part of me told me to stop, but i just kept swallowing." 

Josh's eyes made contact with the page Lydia still drew on. Tyler and himself were depicted, shoulder to shoulder;between them a tree with a tree house rested. Tyler's floral  kimono spread onto the bottom of the page, covering a black field with pink roses. Josh;s hair was made of the night sky, galaxies and stars spilling up to the top of the sketch. "Won't you say goodnight? So I can say goodbye?'' was written across the page.

"It wasn't instant, like you see in movies. I knew it wouldn't be. I thought I should suffer or something dramatic. I remember feeling dizzy and shaking and I remember my heart racing obnoxiously fast and hitting the floor. I know my mom must have found me,but she wasn't supposed to be home for hours. I remember being in the ambulance and there was Ethan. He was the paramedic the resuscitated me and kept me stable on the way there. I'm not really sure what happened between then and me waking up in a hospital bed. " 

Lydia started to tremble, her voice breaking more and more and she went.

"I saw my mom sitting in those god awful chairs in the corner of the room. I knew she would cry and blame herself.  She did, and I remember screaming at her that I hadn't asked to be like this. I was so pissed that I couldn't even kill myself properly. My mom left and Ethan waltzed in. He told me he never checks on anyone, but he felt like he  _had_  to check on me. Ethan came to see me every day and that's how we ended up together. I tried to commit suicide on the twelfth when I was nineteen."

Lydia had omitted the months of self-harming, not wanting it to twist Josh up inside more that she already was.

Josh's sad doe eyes looked into Lydia's. 

"I'm so sorry." was all Josh could think of to say.

"I'm not. I guess I'm glad I was bad at that too because it gave me the opportunity to get good at a lot of things. It did get better, but I was just too impatient I supposed. But every year I Hope I don't feel like this- like the darkness that was there that day is still in me somewhere. I hope that I've gotten stronger and it won't be as hard and it never is." She sobbed, wiping the tears from her face. 

"I know I can't change how you feel and I can't make it go away, I wish I could, but I'm glad you told me."

Josh wrapped his arms around her, having no intention of letting go until he had to;  if he could choose to do so, he would never let her go.


	12. XII. I Don't Know What to Say(I know I'll Want You Til the Stars Evaporate)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lydia's making a mashup of TOP songs, negative headspace, Lydia is gonna take Josh horseback riding when they get to VA, Josh and Lydia talk about how much they love..... Tyler.   
> Josh teaches Lydia how to skateboard, its cute af to be honest. Laundry needs to be done, the DIP CRAP thing, the sharing of music, and Josh watches more of Lydia's videos on her channel.

The next few days were rough-really rough. Now that Josh was aware, would he look at her differently?

_Strange that I think of that now given everything else I've told him..._ Lydia thought.

Josh watched as she struggled through it, conflicted because the only thing he could do was be there when she needed him. Lydia was at that fragile stage where she could sway in either direction at any given moment. She would be completely fine for hours and then next moment she would be in tears. However, she was beginning to get a little lighter after about two days, and Josh was relieved. 

Josh walked back onto the bus upon their return from yet another photo shoot, only to find Lydia working on her laptop with her launchpad, a smile painting her focused face. Josh lifted one of her headphones out of her ear.

"Whatcha doin?"

"You know, the last time someone ripped out one of my headphones, I threatened to rip their lungs out, but I think I'll make an exception this time."

"Harsh. Anyway, like I said before, Whatcha working on?"

"A mashup of you and Tyler's songs, and some of the original three. so far it's only like seventeen minutes long and I'm not even half done. I'm upping the volume of the drums for most of the audio because I adore the drummer of Twenty One Pilots. He's really passionate and that resonates in his beats. He's a super nice guy. Have you ever met him?" Lydia teased.

"Huh, sounds like a punk to me. Surely he's gotta be a jerk in real life." Josh replied, biting his tongue and smiling.

Lydia shook her head.

"We're a mess." she concluded.

"Took you that long to figure that out? Can I listen to what you have so far?"

"Sure, uhm, I have a splitter and more headphones." she said, digging everything out of her bag.

Once everything was plugged in, Lydia took a deep breath and hit play, leaning against Josh.Josh heard the initial feedback in the beginning of  _HeavyDirtySoul_ but when Tyler said "Another attempt to make the voices stop", the middle of 'stop' it turned into 'up to the ceiling' from  _ode to sleep_  almost seamlessly. Every song flowed into the next song or piece like it was made that way. Josh sat there, a grin on his face the entirety of the track, disappointed when it finally ended.

   

"so?" Lydia asked apprehensively, turning her face up to look at him.

"I love it. You put together songs I would have never thought to pair up and made it work. I really like the piece with  _car radio_  and  _holding onto you_ and  _screen_  together."

"The part that ends with  _polarize_?"

"Yeah, what are you gonna put for the end? or do you just not know yet?"

" _Truce_  and  _Goner_. That's definite, but as for the rest in between it's still up in the air at this point.I'll just see where it takes me."

"want some help? I could at least give suggestions and feedback."

"I'd like that, but for right now I wanna take a break and just play something I already know."

Just as Lydia was beginning to scroll through and pick another track, her phone vibrated between them on the table, displaying its contents on the lock screen. Josh was so close he couldn't help but read it.

**Ethan: Hey, I know a few days ago was the anniversary. Just wanted to make sure you were okay.**

Lydia's face twisted in pain, her hand covering her mouth as she looked away from Josh.

"He doesn't actually care. He just wants me to answer him and get a reaction out of me. He's as dumb as ever." She said finally, deleting the message.

Josh knew she was putting on a brave face, fighting off the doubt in her head. Tyler joined them , placing a cup of coffee on the table for Josh.

"Ugh, how can you drink that straight? or even at all?" Lydia asked, trying to focus on something else.

"I dunno , I like it? Why do you drink tea?"

"Because I like my leaf water dammit."

"Well I like my bean water , so there."

"Jeez, we have sound check in like 10 minutes, so drink your respective earth liquids and c'mon."

"Okay, princess keep your skinny jeans on." Lydia teased, standing. She swayed and nearly fell over, catching herself on the cabinets.

"Lydia, you okay? did you trip?"

"No, I just stood up too fast i guess."

Tyler called bull crap.

"No, when was the last time you actually ate something? or drank any water?"

Lydia had been struggling so badly the past few days she hadn't even thought to eat, let alone wanted to.

"I don't remember..." Lydia admitted quietly.

"You're gonna sit this soundcheck out until you eat something."

"But-"

"NO buts. You're ALWAYS making sure me and Tyler and the rest of the crew are taken care of and hydrated. Let us do it for you for a change." Josh argued.

"If I bring said food and water can I sit in the pit for sound check?"

"I'm willing to agree with that. Tyler?"

"Fine with me. Get moving on that food sunshine."

Lydia set to work making a bowl of greek yogurt, mango slices and some granola. She also grabbed a bottle of water and a spoon. She placed her sunglasses on her head and made her way to the arena. On the sound deck you couldn't feel the bass as well as you could on the floor of the pit. Lydia needed to feel the rumble in her chest, to remind her that there was in fact something in there. It was actually starting to rain a little but it would make it that much better. Tyler and Josh were  already checking the sounds on Josh's drums and Tyler's bass. The intro to  _Doubt_ began as Lydia munched away on her snack, trying to appease the boys even if she really didn't want to eat at all. Once her bowl was empty, she lay down on the floor of the pit, feeling the vibrations throughout her whole body.

"Heeey, heeey don't forget about me..." she sang quietly along with Tyler. Eventually, Josh joined her on the floor so Tyler could check the sound for his Ukulele. 

"Feeling better now that you've got something in there?"  Josh asked, pointing to her stomach.

"I guess. I didn't really feel like eating in the first place though. Food isn't as good when you don't really want it. Which is saying something  because I always want food." 

"Well sometimes we don't wanna eat when we don't feel good, mentally or otherwise, even me and i never want to stop eating. I would kill for some oreos right about now."

"We'll get some after sound check cookie monster. I wanna listen on Tyler a little while longer." she chuckled, but there was no life in the laughter.

"Honestly , I could listen to Tyler sing for days." Josh said, turning his eyes back to his best friend.

"Number one Fan material over here huh?"

"Yup. He's just so genuine and unique, nobody sounds like him and he writes things like nothing I've ever heard before.  He never ceases to surprise me."

"Agreed. I really relate to his lyrics. If there's something I've felt but couldn't explain correctly, Tyler found a way to do it for me. I can apply so many songs to so many different emotions, even if I don't know what it is that I am feeling. I don't find that anywhere else."

"Yeah, he's really something." Josh beamed, hearing such praise of his friend always made him happy.

"And watching you watching Tyler play is the most adorable thing I've ever seen."

"That's my best friend, I gotta be supportive."

"I know. C'mon, lets go get some oreos and do something."

"Like what?"

"I don't know, something? Any suggestions?" 

"I haven't skated on my board for awhile and I have two, wanna board around for a bit?"Josh asked as they made their way back to the bus.

Lydia paused and looked down at the asphalt.

"I'd love to but I um... I don't know how." 

Josh smiled down at her, "Then I'll teach you. It's easy, It'll  be fun I promise."

"But, what if I fall?" she asked, shifting in her shoes and feeling very small all  of a sudden.

Josh's grin grew wider and made Lydia's insides turn to mush.

"I won't let you fall. And if you do I'll be really sorry and I'll carry you the rest of the night."

"Deal." Lydia finally agreed, her heart pounding in her temples from anxiety.

She may have been nervous, but she trusted Josh more. The rain had started to pick up into a steady rhythm as the pair headed back, oreos and long boards in hand.

 They had switched back to playing music in the overhead speakers when they had returned. It was a fluid EDM mix with lots of bass, an excellent choice to work to while everyone rearranged things.

"Maybe I should help...."

"They're fine. Besides you just ate for the first time in almost three days, you shouldn't be doing any heavy lifting. I'm half the boss, so if anyone complains they can answer to me."

Lydia nodded.

"Okay, so first thing, " Josh began ,placing his board on the ground next to hers, "you have to have good position on the board to have good balance. Go ahead and get up there."

Lydia messed with the sheer sleeves of her kimono top anxiously before attempting to stand on the long board. She stepped up, the board leaning as she did so. Lydia yelped, but kept her balance.

"You're adorable. Okay, now put your foot a little further up and shift your other one back."

Little by little, Lydia moved her feet on the deck of the board like Josh said to.

"That's good. I'm gonna help you get the feel of the board and how it moves."

"Oh no, this is where it gets ugly."

"I'm gonna hold onto you, so don't worry." he assured her, moving his board behind hers and placing his hands on her waist.

"Is... is this okay?" Josh  asked, not wanting to make Lydia uncomfortable.

"Thar's fine. now what? Which foot do i use to move?" she asked timidly.

"Your left, unless your left foot is your dominant foot. Your dominant foot always stays on the board. We can go as slow as you want."

Lydia placed her left foot on the floor of the pit, pushing herself forward and moving an inch or so. She Wobbled, but Josh held her steady.

"Just worry about going in a straight line for now" he reassured her.

Lydia went from moving a few inches to a few feet at a time, Josh walking behind her and holding her the entire way. Jenna and Tyler sat on the edge of the stage, watching the pair.

"If that is not the cutest thing you've ever seen, then I don't know what is." Jenna sighed, sipping her water.

Tyler nodded. "I mean its cute but not nearly as cute as you" he replied, kissing her sweetly.

Josh had moved into his own board and Skated parallel to Lydia, holding each of her hands in his own.

"Okay, I'm gonna let go."

Lydia nodded hesitantly and slowly released her hold on Josh. Lydia was gliding along, feeling lighter than air. She went faster, tilting her body to turn the way she had seen Josh do it a million times. Josh watched as she flew across the concrete, her kimono flowing behind her. Lydia even started dancing to the music that played above their heads, rolling her body and moving her arms fluidly as she went faster and faster.

"See? You've got it! Told you it was easy." Josh laughed, catching up to her.

She looked back at him and smirked.

"Last one  to the barricade has to do laundry!" she shouted and moved her short legs as fast as they would go. She crouched down on the board, hoping to be more aerodynamic until the edge of the board clipped the side of a heavy speaker they had yet to move. Lydia tumbled off her board and rolled into the barricade.

"You alright sunshine?" Tyler asked,jumping from the stage and looking down at her from behind the barricade. Josh had since ditched his board and ran over to her. He rolled her over and her fingers were clutching the bars.

"I win." she said, smiling.

Josh chuckled in relief. "You scared me! I thought you were hurt!"

"Sorry , I didn't do it on purpose if it makes you feel better."

Lydia laughed, really laughed for the first time in days and it was music to Josh's ears.

"You're folding my Laundry!" she continued through her laughter, getting red in the face.

It began to pour, thunder and lightening joining the symphony of rain. Dan appeared and told all of them to get under the roof of the stage. They had gathered at the back to watch the storm until it worsened to the point that they were no longer permitted to be in the arena. Josh and Tyler had been playing a game on their phones to pass the time and Tyler had lost.

"You're bein a real dipcrap!" Tyler said, teasing.

"Oh, im a dipcrap?"

Tyler took Josh's hand and they raced away back to the bus. Lydia shook her head, turning to Jenna.

"Well, at least we know Tyler's priorities, but it's okay because you get more wet if you run in rain. Fact. " Lydia said, pulling her kimono over her head and Jenna's as they walked. IT wasn't very effective as they both got soaked regardless of her effort. Lydia's hair dripped all over and she shivered in the AC of the bus.

"Go change silly."

"Remember how i said that Josh would be  doing my laundry? That's because i need to do it, this was my last set of clothes. "

"Oh, dear. Um, I'm sure Tyler has something he can lend you. TYLER? Do you have anything Lydia can wear?She is soaked and I don't have anything that would fit her."

"Nope, I just have clothes for tonight and What I just changed into. Ask Josh."

"You ask him he's next to you!"

"You guys know I'm not deaf right?" Josh remarked, emerging from the bedroom in a pair of shorts and nothing more. God he was so beautiful Lydia had to attempt not to let her face flush. He reached into one of the upper compartments and pulled out a pair of his shorts and his NASA t-shirt.

"That's one of my favorite shirts, so please dont steal it."

"No promises Space boy." she replied, sticking out her tongue as she retreated to the bathroom to change. The faded shirt hung loose on her frame and the shorts were a bit large. Thankfully they had drawstrings. Lydia felt small in Josh's clothing which was an improvement over this morning. She had gone to get dressed and caught her reflection in the mirror. Lydia saw the marks on her skin, her stomach that wasn't flat enough, and how thick her thighs were. Anything she could pick apart about herself, she noticed. She ended up sitting on the floor and crying in the bathroom for over ten minutes before Tyler had come to check on her. After several minutes of consoling, including Jenna coming in to help, she had finally gotten up.

Lydia exited in dry clothes, a smile plastering her face.

"I look like your clothes are trying to eat me." she said cheerfully.

"Good. I Don't want you getting sick because you're cold."

"Nah, momma didn't raise no bitch, I'd have been alright."

"Whatever you say, shortness."

She frowned. "Ugh, If I had a dollar for every time someone called me short , I'd have threes civics and a new kit by now." 

"I mean, You are pretty short." Tyler commented, backing up Josh.

"Rude." 

Lydia turned to go when a loud crack of thunder shook the bus and made Lydia Jump.

"You're not scared of thunder are you Lydia?" Josh asked, placing his hand on her shoulder to steady her.

"No, it just startled me. I've ridden in rain and with lightening in the distance. I mean, Harley wasn't super thrilled but he did fine."

"You're crazy. I've never ridden a horse in regular weather, let alone a storm."

"You've never been on a horse?" 

"Well, Pony rides and i have been around them, but that doesn't really count."

"Well, I guess I will have to fix that when we do the Portsmouth show won't I?"

"Sure. Can I ride Harley?"

"HAH! HAHAHAHAHAHHA NO! My mom has been riding for longer than I have been alive and she won't even get on him. He is not a novice horse, he's severely unpredictable if you don't know him. I'll put you on RJ or Jinxx. They're lesson and trail horses so not a lot of worry there. Can't have the best drummer I know getting hurt before a show. Sound Like a plan?"

"Yeah, if we have time we'll go do that." Josh agreed, the pair joining Tyler and Jenna at the window of the bus, watching the rain beat against the glass.

"I feel bad for everyone in line, they've been waiting all day and no they have to get out and wait again when it clears."

"Yeah, I'd be pissed." Josh nodded, his mouth twisting in irritation at the thought.

"JOSH!MY EARS!"

"What?"

"I have never heard you curse, like ever. I mean I agreed, I'd be pissed too. Like the great storm of 96X-fest in 2014. We stood in the heat for four hours and then it monsoon-ed. We had to get out of line and into the parking garage. 

"Dude, that blows." Tyler said, carding his fingers through his hair.

"It all worked out in the end.I got a free upgrade to pit tickets earlier because we were one of the first 200 people there. Being soaking wet was well worth being closer to Brendon Urie."

"Must be nice. I never get pit tickets to my favorite band."

"That's because you're the drummer of your favorite band, dork." She jested, squeezing the water from her hair.

"My band isn't my  _only_  favorite band." Josh countered, sitting on the couch.

"Really now? Name one." Tyler teased.

"Tyler, you and I both know we're in love with with Sigur Ros."

"I've never heard of them...."

"Come over here and sit and I'll show you some of their stuff."

"Okay, but only if you listen to something I recommend."

Josh nodded in agreement, "Fine with me, who am I listening to?" he asked, pulling out another set of headphones. 

"They're called Starset, you're going to love them I promise. "

Lydia set up her playlist for Josh and handed over her phone and Josh did the same.

The pair took their usual place at the couch and listened contently for almost twenty minutes. Josh looked down at Lydia , who had settled with her head in his lap. Her eyes were wet with tears. Josh nudged her shoulder and she removed one of her headphones.

"You alright?"

"Yeah. It's beautiful Josh. What song are you on?"

He glanced at her phone for a moment.

" _Halo_  Just ended and  _Starlight_  is next." He replied.

" _Starlight_  is my favorite. I mean I love all of them but off the second album it's my favorite next to  _Ricochet_ and  _Last to Fall._ "

 

Josh noted this and therefore gave it his undivided attention. He was really enjoying them so far. They were just hard  enough for him, as well as  very outer space oriented and the lyrics were excellent. 

 "  _I don't know what to say_  
But I know I'll want you till the stars evaporate  
We're only here for just a moment in the light  
One day it shines for us the next we're in the night  
So say the word and I'll be running back to find you  
A thousand armies won't stop me I'll break through  
I'll soar the endless skies for only one sight  
Of your starlight  "

He Looked down at Lydia once more, only to find her asleep. Josh smiled and hoped she was at least tranquil in her dreams. He knew how lonely she probably felt. It was easy to lose yourself when you separate from someone that was a part of you for so long. He hadn't been this attached to someone since Debby. Josh had simply thrown himself into his work after that, but it got lonely. It was hard to look at Jenna and Tyler and wonder if he would ever have that. 

Maybe he should tell Lydia how he felt, but what would she say?What if she didn't feel the same? What if she did? Like he had confided in Tyler, he knew she would give up everything if he asked her too. She was just that selfless, but Josh wasn't that selfish. Instead, he went to her YouTube account and watched more of her videos. He found one from 2014 of her covering  _Carnivore_ by Starset. He scrolled further down into older videos into 2012 and he saw her change before his eyes. He found one dated two weeks after Lydia's suicide attempt.

She was rounder in the face and a little heavier than she was now, but she was still beautiful to him. Her expression was one of exhaustion and she looked drained, dark circles framing her glacial blue eyes, Lydia's upper arms were bandaged up, as well as parts of her chest, evident from the layers of gauze that poked up through the hem of her tank top. She didn't say much other than she was sorry that she hadn't updated in a while and that she had been in an accident but was recovering and would have a new video soon. The comments were flooded with "get well soon" and " Hope you feel better". 

A few days later she uploaded a video of her speaking about Tyler and himself.

"Every time Josh hits the kick drum really hard, i feel it resonate. I feel it in my bones, i feel the bass in my chest and it reminds me that I'm alive. Anytime Tyler's voice goes higher or descends into a scream it fills the hole in my a little bit. They get it. This is the first time I've ever found music with lyrics that actually make me understand what I'm feeling so any of my followers out there struggling with depression or anxiety or anything in between, please please check out Twenty One Pilots. They are helping me so much. My only advice is that you truly  _listen_  to it, don't just hear it. "

Josh smiled even wider as it transitioned to her cover of  _Forest_ and _Lovely._ She sang it with a new confidence- Josh could see the difference. Two months later, there was her rendition of  _Car Radio ._ Lydia was significantly thinner there and she had tears in her eyes at the end, red and blue paint everywhere. She reminded Josh a lot of his twelve year old self, playing a million covers of all the pop-punk bands he loved. She was remarkable and just as passionate as he was. He sat there, making a mental note of how he loved that about her, about all the things he loved about her both good and bad, even if there wasn't really anything bad about her. Josh could handle depression/anxiety issues- he had them himself and understood it. He loved the way Lydia would actually listen and have something meaningful to say. That she was open minded, even if they didn't agree, that she was shy but seemed invincible when she spoke. That Lydia got so filled with light when she talked about riding or drumming or art. She would laugh and got embarrassed when she snorted accidentally, but he found it adorable. That she would sit and wonder about the universe with him, about stars and aliens with hi and wouldn't try to convince him that they didn't exist. Lydia was such a beautiful person and he wished so deeply that she could see herself the way he saw her-the way they all saw her. 

Josh felt his head slip backwards- he was falling asleep too. He reached for a pillow for his neck and snuggled down to get comfortable for his nap. The storm wasn't going to let up anytime soon anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, this is the last "chapter" i have typed up. I have various parts typed up, i just have to fill i the space in between and make it cohesive, so please be patient! this is not over yet!


	13. XIII. There's always another day, Another night (We've got Tomorrow)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> its not long, but it is important to fill in the space between.... essentially its  
> SOME CUTE ASS FLUFF BEFORE THE SHIT HITS THE FAN.
> 
> The storm subsides, they go out and then Josh, Tyler, and Jenna go out for an interview and Lydia Stays behind.  
> The next chapter is LONG AF since I couldn't find a reasonable place to split it up.

Someone was shaking josh’s shoulder.

“Josh, josh wake up. We're clear to go back out.” 

_ Ah, Tyler. _ His brain finally registered.

“That was such a good nap though.” he yawned, stretching his arms above his head. Josh looked down at his lap. Lydia had rolled over in her sleep, her face towards his stomach and her legs curled up beside him.  She looked so peaceful and Josh envied her for a moment,  wanting to be where ever she was.

“But i can't move her. That's like moving a cat that lays on your lap. It should be a crime.”

Tyler rolled his eyes, a smile playing at his lips. They were ungodly cute sometimes.

“You've got five minutes dude. ”

Josh nodded and started rubbing Lydia's back, leaning down to her ear.

“ C'mon pretty girl, you have to get up. C’mooonnnnn. ” he soothed, trying to be as gentle as he could in waking her. 

“We've got work to do, everybody's waiting.”

Lydias mouth curved into a grin, but she only curled up closer to Josh, moving up so she could hook her arms around his body. 

“Mmm mmm , nope. You're too comfy.” she mumbled, snuggling into his chest.

“Lydia, i dont want to either, but we’ve gotta.” he replied, going to stand and taking Lydia with him.

“Joooosshhh nooo.” she protested, now very much awake. 

She did not like being picked up without warning and instinctively thrashed a little, knocking Josh flat on his back. Lydia’s face ended up a few inches from his.

“Sorry, I got Scared.”

“It’s okay, but we do have to go actually work now.” Josh sighed, brushing the hair from Lydia’s eyes.

She nodded in agreement, her face flushed as she got off of Josh and offered him a hand to pull him up. The pair went out the door and looked out;  it was still raining lightly and 

everything was soaked.

“Whoa.” Josh breathed, stepping down onto the wet ground.

Tyler threw a roll of paper towels at Josh, who barely caught them.

“We better get started, there’s a lot to dry.”

Lydia rolled her eyes and started for the stage to help with anything she could.She looked back as the boys posed for a photo for Mark while they were wiping the ground with the paper towels.

Lydias mind wandered, wondering just how many paper towels it would take to dry the whole venue as she checked her phone.

 

**Ethan** : _ I miss you. Please come back  _

She groaned and opened another message from her mother. She had sent her a photo of herself and Harley from about four years prior. Lydia cringed because she was still on the bigger side in the photo, but couldn't deny that it was an excellent picture. It had been raining for that competition, but that hadn’t slowed them down. Harley’s canter was elevated, his ears pricked forward as the rounded a jump to get to the next one. Lydia’s face was focused, her lips parted slightly through a grin.

**Mom:** _ This popped up on my timeline today. Just wanted to remind you that I love you and I’m proud of you. _

Lydia  smiled and continued walking until Jenna caught her shoulder.

“Let’s go get that laundry done.”

“But I don't wanna!” Lydia feigned irritation, grinning wickedly.

“Josh isn’t getting his shirt back, is he?”

“Maybe in a week, Maybe never. It’s really soft.”

“Suurrree. That’s why. Maybe you want him to come and take it off you.”

“JENNA.” she deadpanned as they entered the bus to gather the mountains of clothes.

 

The girls carried them to the inside of the venue. Some venues had gyms, others had laundry, and some had both. Jenna and Lydia sat atop the dryers, chatting and giggling. The talked about like and Lydia essentially couldn’t shut up about her horses, but Jenna didn’t want it any other way.

In about twenty minutes, the washers were finished.

“Huh, must be some fancy washing machine i guess.” Lydia speculated, pulling the clothes out to switch them.

“Yours and Tyler's go in this one, and Mine and Josh’s. ” She said to herself as she did so.

Jenna tilted her head to the side, amused,

“What? I figured it’d be easier to tell  whose was whose if they were oppositely gendered.Im fairly certain that the lacy yellow panties are not Tylers.”

“You never know!” she joked.

“Even if they were,  no judgement.” Lydia replied, chuckling at the thought of Tyler in Jenna’s underwear. Soon enough the dryers were finished and they made their way back to the bus to put it away. They made it about halfway through the clothes when Mark came in to steal Lydia for the walk of the crowd for the highlights. Mark was in the middle of telling her a bad joke when the  crowd started roaring at  the sight of Mark, since they all knew who he was. Lydia let Mark do his thing and went off on her own to talk to other clique members.

People saw the laminate that bounced on her hip, and asked all sorts of questions, the most common being “Are they really as nice as everybody says?”

Lydia smiled and always replied; “Seriously, they are the nicest people you will ever meet.”

Lydia continued walking, and noticed two boys, about eleven, each with an Uke. 

Lydia took out her phone, complimenting them on their teal and red hair. She watched their faces light up when she asked them their names, and to play for her,promising to show Tyler and Josh  later.

Elijah and Caleb began to strum out the chords to  _ polarize _ and she found herself singing along, as well as others in the line. It turned into a straight Jam session, with Lydia drumming out the beats on her thighs. They played a few more, some of which Mark even filmed, but he had to be back inside soon after.

Lydia lingered behind, people meeting , talking about the guys, how they got into them, comparing tattoos. Towards the middle of the line, She spotted a girl with nearly the same tattoo that she had on her leg. The only difference was her symbol was just Tyler’s skeleton and she had roses instead of lilies. It was placed beautifully on her forearm, and upon closer inspection Lydia noticed what it was covering ; self -harm scars. Lydia asked her if she wanted to take a photo of their sister tattoos. The girl, whose name was Hannah, agreed vigorously. Hannah began to tell her her story and it turned out that she had tried to commit suicide as well, and that’s why she had the tattoo. Lydia’s eyes welled up as she pulled up Josh’s shirt sleeve to expose her upper arms.

“Me too.” she whispered.

Hannah burst into tears, pulling Lydia into a tight embrace. Hannah, who was only sixteen, still in high school, had been through so much, Lydia saw herself in her.

“It gets better. I know you still have rough days probably, but you can fight it. It’ll get easier. You will get there.” Lydia reassured her, turning to leave as Father John paged her on her walkie talkie. 

She made her way back inside, Josh catching her on the way to the sound deck.

“Everything okay? You look like you’ve been crying?”

“Me? Cry? Nah, I’m just leaking. No, I met a girl in line with a tattoo almost identical to my  _ Truce  _ tattoo. She had it for the same reason i have mine, we had a moment, it's okay. I’m okay, Josh”

Josh smiled, Giving her shoulder a squeeze before stepping away to find Tyler. Lydia passed them while going to find Father John and do whatever he needed done.

Mark was filming  again, asking about the rain.

“It might still rain, but we do have extra paper towels from before, so right now it’s really dry... but it might still rain, in which case we’re gonna try and keep going.” Josh said, trying to stay positive.

“So, uh, we're just gonna kinda like, do our thing. Hopefully  we don’t slip, hopefully people will still come to the show. ” Tyler said, listening for the volume of the crowd.

“ We can hear them.” he commented, a smile spreading across his face. “That makes me happy.” he continued, turning to Josh, whose grin was just as bright.

“Me too.”

Lydia walked on, stopping at the bus to grab her glasses. Josh found her setting up his laptop and configuring it for the roland brain he used onstage.

“You didn’t have to do that, I could have done it.”

“You have enough to worry about with the rain, dear. Also it’s cute that your password is your moms name.”

“Its cute when you’re all nerdy and make stuff work. I didn’t know you wore glasses Lydia.” he said, noting the plastic rectangular frames on her face.

“I don’t usually have too but the computer screens and the lights on the soundboard are making my eyes strain more than usual today.”

“Ah, yeah. A lot of the guys think that my password is cheesy, but it’s easy to remember and I Love her a lot.”

“Maybe you should get a vintage mom tattoo then. All the tough guys I know have them.” she teased, trying to be playful. 

Josh looked thoughtful for a moment, and then nodded his head.

“You know, I think i will. She deserves it.”

“I was only kidding, but okay. I’ll help you design it if you want.”

“That’d be sick! Maybe you could get something too?”

“I’m so ready. I’ve been itching for another tattoo anyway. Hey, Josh?”

“Hmm?”

“Can i ask you why you got your tattoos in the first place? I know you like color, but was there an actual reason for any specific one?”

“I, um, I do like colors and nature and the space elements, but I got them and colored my hair and got things pierced because I didn’t want to look so approachable. I didn't want anyone to take advantage of my kindness, I guess.”

Lydia looked legitimately shocked; that was not the answer she’d expected at all.

She pulled Josh tightly into a hug. “Im sorry.”

“For what? It’s not your fault.”

“I’m sorry that someone hurt you like that, that someone made you feel that way. Who would even dare? ”

“It’s behind me, and I’ve been told i have a very intimidating stare when i want to.”

“But its not fair that you felt like you had to do that. You should have them because you want them, and because they're beautiful, not because-”

“Lydia, I  _ did _ want them, thats just a small underlying reason.”

“Sorry, I don’t know why that upset me so much.”

“It’s okay.”

“You do have a very intense gaze though. It’s hard to look away from you when you do it sometimes.”

“Oh, really, you mean like this?” he mused, stepping closer and focusing all his attention on her.

Lydia swallowed and felt her knees go weak.

“Mhmm, yup. Just like that. Could you stop please?”

His tongue protruded from between his teeth as he smiled.

“Yeah, sorry. Just wanted to know if it actually worked.”

“Well, I basically just turned into mush, so it definitely works.”

He smirked, feeling pretty good about himself. Josh wasn’t typically cocky, but everyone has their moments. Josh started explaining all the super technical stuff about his drums and the electronic equipment. Lydia just knew how to set it up, but not how it worked. She could listen to Josh nerd out for however long he wanted.

Soon enough, the show began and went on without incident, Josh bringing the energy and bouncing on his throne and Tyler climbing and Defying gravity by jumping over his piano. 

The music moved Lydia like an ocean, pushing her out and pulling her back in as it soothed her mind. Every night,  at least during the show, she felt a little better, even if her depression was tearing her up that day. She looked up at the stars as they packed up, and thanked the stars for Tyler and Josh’s existence, because without them she wouldn’t be here..

  
  


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

They had just made it to their next city and had a day before their actual show so they all went out before Jenna had to leave for home. It had been an excellent day thus far, the group exploring shops and getting Starbucks at three in the afternoon because Josh could no longer function without coffee. The closest one was in a Barnes and Noble, so that’s where they went. Lydia browsed the fantasy novels as the other three ordered, waiting patiently with one Of her favorite things:books. The sound of pages turning, the smell of the ink and the paper. It was so soothing to Lydia that she was so relaxed she didn't hear Josh come up beside her, watching as she ran her hands along the spines of the books and picking some up here and there to read the dust jackets. She was grinning from ear to ear, so genuinely happy to be around the books. The light shifted through the glass in the ceiling, bathing Lydia in its glow. Her hair was shining, blue and violet like a nebula and the way it caught her eyes made them look almost pearlescent.  Josh swore that he stopped breathing for a moment.

He finally caught his breath after Lydia had stuck her nose In yet another book, reading the first few pages and showing more interest in it than the others.

“ Do you want that one?”

Lydia was So lost in the the story already that she startles at Josh's voice.

“Yeah my friend keeps trying to get me to read this one, but I left my wallet on purpose because i knew we were going in a book store. Thats dangerous for my bank account.” she laughed, putting it back on its shelf. Tyler and Jenna joined them and asked if everyone was ready.

The group took three steps out of the door and Josh had an Idea.

“You guys go get the van, I've  gotta pee.”

He said heading back inside. He had no intention of going to the bathroom, he was looking for  _ A Court of Thorns and Roses. _

“I’ll bet you a dollar he's gonna go back to buy the book Lydia was looking at.” Jenna whispered to Tyler.

“You're on.” he agreed.

Sure enough, Josh came out with a bag. He jumped in the backseat with Lydia, who was zoned out and scrolling through tumblr, looking up only when her present was placed in her lap.

“Josh! You didn't have to get me anything.” she protested, seeing not only the first one, but its sequel as well in the bag.

“Yeah i did, you told me you love to read and you didnt even bring a book with you on tour. I looked for a third but i didnt see one.” 

“It doesnt come out until next May.” she replied quietly, tears in her eyes as she wrapped her arms around his neck.

“Thank you, i love them.”

“No problem. I wanted to make you happy.im tired of seeing you sad.”

Lydia nodded against his shoulder. The gift had touched her deeply, even If It was just a simple gesture. The fact that Josh actually paid attention to everything she said and remembered it meant more than any material gift he could get her. 

Jenna leaned over to Tyler and whispered,  “You owe me a dollar.”

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

“You sure you don’t wanna come? It’s just an interview, but it might take a few hours. ” Josh urged, wanting Lydia to come with Tyler and himself for the interview for alternative press.

Lydia wanted to go but she had a few things to get done around the bus and didn’t want to procrastinate any further.

“I’ll be fine dear. Go and have a good time for me.”

“You know you don’t have to do the chores around the bus, right?”

“I know.Take Jenna with you guys, she’s been cooped up in here too long.”

Josh finally conceded, turning to go, but not before giving Lydia one last hug.

 

Once they had all finally left, Lydia set to work folding and putting away the rest of the laundry she and Jenna had never finished the day before. She continued to clean, wiping down the tables and the counters and organizing the small cabinets they had. Her phone buzzed repeatedly in her pocket as she went, Ethan calling her repeatedly. Lydia had just sat down and finished when she finally checked her messages.

 

 **Josh:** _Hey, do you want some green tea from starbucks when we stop on the way back?_

 

**Lydia:** _ That would be amazing, Iced please it’s hotttt _

 

Josh sent her about twenty ice cube emojis and left it at that.

 

Lydia continued to check her email, tumblr, youtube and instagram when a text from ethan rolled across the top of the screen.

  
  
**Ethan:** _ Hey, can you call me please? It’s actually important. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know what you're thinking: girl, don't do it.  
> The next chapter is LONG AF since I couldn't find a reasonable place to split it up.You're welcome.  
> Maybe I'll make you wait an hour for it, maybe I'll make you wait a day I haven't decided.


	14. XIV. Everyone Knows that I'm Dying to feel Fine (My Brain Always tells me Twisted Lies)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lydia calls Ethan and things go about as well as you'd expect. Tyler comes back early, and tells Lydia something very important.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ****TRIGGER WARNING****  
> PLEASE, please, please be safe. There is self-harm in this chapter so please do not read if it's a thing for you.
> 
> Stay sick, Stay street, Stay safe, and Stay alive |-/

**Ethan _:Hey, can you call me please? Its actually important._**

 

What the hell could be so important?

For whatever reason, Lydia answered him.

**Lydia** ; _Like what?_

**Ethan** : _its been a year since my dad passed. You were the only one that ever understood. Please_. 

Lydia felt a pang of guilt in her stomach. If he truly needed her, she would be there. She told him that from the start. She tapped on Ethans name in the messenger and selected to call him. The line rang twice before he answered.

“Lydia?” he breathed. It was as if he hadn’t expected her to actually call.

“Okay, I’m here. Talk away.”

They spoke for about twenty minutes. Lydia had always known that the root cause for Ethans drinking was the stress of his job. Being a paramedic, you were bound to see a lot of nightmare inducing things. The catalyst for his alcoholism was being one of the first responders to the scene of his father’s death. Lydia could remember the vivid details of the scene as Ethan had described them, as though she had been there herself. It was not a pretty picture.

“Look, I know things didn’t end well between us, and I Recognize now what I did wrong.”

“What does this have to do with your Father, Ethan?”

“Nothing, but I know he adored you and I know he wouldn’t be so proud of me for what I’ve said and done to you. I want to make it up to you. Please give me another chance.”

Lydia took a deep breath and sighed.

“Look, Ethan, the best way you can make it up to me is to get some help for your alcoholism and to do better next time with the next girl. There’s a lot to like about you Ethan, but that part of you that I knew just disappeared and I don’t even know who you are anymore. I don’t even know who I am.”

“So, you dumped me because I’m not the pushover that I was when I met you. OH, I’m sorry I, I don’t know, saved your life?”

“I see you're still not above guilt tripping me. I have always been grateful-Maybe not initially, but eventually it got better and I saw that it was better that I lived, that you found me. But once you started drinking more and more, you started hurting me. You cared less about me and how I felt and more about what your next drink was going to be or punishing me for the slightest mistake. I have more marks on my body from you than myself Ethan. You verbally and physically abused me for the last eight months of our relationship and I just layed there and took it. I became the doormat and you manipulated me into thinking I was nothing without you!”

Lydia was so grateful that everyone else was in the arena and the boys were at an interview. She was screaming at Ethan and crying an entire ocean.

“You  **are** nothing without me. I brought you back from the brink of death twice in that ambulance. Without me you wouldn’t even be breathing at this very moment, you owe me everything, but all I asked for is your understanding.”

“If you want to have multiple relations with other people that’s fine, but you can’t have your cake and eat it too. So if you want that, you don’t get me. If you love me, and you’re with me, then you’re only with me. I don’t share. If that’s what makes you happy, fine but I won’t be in that equation. Im not going to sit idly by and let you be happy at my expense- that’s just fucking wrong and you know it!”

“where did my Lydia go? I don’t even know who I’m talking to right now.”

“I asked myself the same question the first time you hit me. And she’s dead. You killed her. I’m not that weak little girl anymore. You can’t twist me up and manipulate me anymore.You're like a wolf that cries for the moon. You need me, but I don't need you!”

Lydia was shaking. She was terrified about what his comeback would be, her pulse thumping in her temples. At least he was hundreds of miles away and couldn’t physically hurt her.

“Please! Let’s start over! I’ve changed, I know what I did wrong! Baby please, I need you.” Ethan begged.

Lydia felt no remorse. She had made a decision and chose to stick to her guns.

“Let it go! Let me go! No, a thousand times no. How many times do I have to deny you for you to get It through your head? All you ever did was lie to me, take me for granted, and hurt me. We will never get back together- EVER. ”

Ethan was silent for a moment, Long enough for Lydia’s own personal blurryface to make an appearance.

_ He’s right, you are nothing without him. You should get back together and let him punish you. You deserve to be put in your place. _

_ SHUT UP. _

“I Love you and I want to treat you like you deserved to be treated. I was going to ask you to marry me when you got home.”

The guilt bomb of all guilt bombs, and it hit her with an assassins precision. Lydia couldn’t take it anymore and felt no reason to hold her tongue . Ethan couldn’t touch her.

“I would have said no. I can’t be with some little fuckboy that doesn’t care about anything but himself. We’re done.”

“After all I’ve done for you?! After everything I helped you through? You know what Lydia? FUCK YOU, you worthless piece of shit! I’ll be just fine without you.  **(A.N.  the end of this conversation actually happened, but the next few lines were added)** And just so you know, I was fucking Katarina the entire time we were together. I fucked her in your bed while You were at school. You meant nothing to me. I should have let you die! The air should have left your lungs and stayed out. Maybe you should fix that.”

And with that Ethan hung up.

Normally, Lydia could brush it off, knowing it wasn’t true and that he just said things to try and hurt her but she had been so low lately, her vulnerability was at its absolute worst.

Lydia threw her phone across the bus and sank to the floor, grateful for the case that was on it.

_ Everything wrong with your relationship was your fault.  It was all you. You  _ **_never_ ** _ meant anything to him and you are nothing. You cant do anything right. He’s right, you should just kill yourself. _

Tears started rolling down her cheeks without her consent. They just kept coming. No noise escaped her lips but she was screaming on the inside. Ethan was right, she wasn’t worth anything. He should have let her die. Lydia had the palms of her fists pressed against her eyes. Her chest felt like it was caving in and she could barely breath-there was so much pressure in her body. It felt like it was choking her, suffocating her under it's weight. 

“Stop it.  Stop crying. It’s weak.” She whispered to herself, squeezing her eyes shut as she rocked back and forth.

_ You know what you need. You know how to get the  _ **_control_ ** _ back.You know what will make this  _ **_stop_ ** _. _

“No, no, no I can’t.” She answered. Lydia tried so hard to fight it, but her skin was begging so badly.

Eventually, she stood and crossed the bus to the bathroom. She retrieved her make-up bag and dug to the bottom, where her cure lay, wrapped in a small piece of cloth.

The fluorescent light glimmered off the blade, almost making it beautiful.  Here she was, romanticizing something so horrible. That’s just how her mind worked when she was like this.

“How many?”,  she inquired, turning away from the mirror. Lydia already knew the answer;  **Until it stopped, until she couldn’t see straight** . Lydia slipped to the floor once again and rolled up her sleeve. It was black so no one would notice the blood.  Lydia sighed as she heard the snap of her skin as it broke apart on her upper arm. The feeling itself was sickening, but the ruby line that was left in its wake was worth it. She continued line after line , chasing numbness she would feel from the rush of endorphins ,but Lydia still hadn’t stopped crying and the weight in her chest hadn’t been alleviated. 

WHY?

Why had she done this, if nothing changed? Everything still hurt and it wasn’t working anymore. Lydia threw the blade angrily in the trash and just screamed at the top of her lungs, trying to get it out.   Lydia poured Hydrogen peroxide over her arm, hissing at the sting. She folded some toilet paper up and placed it on her wounds, wrapping gauze around it  and pulling her ¾ sleeve down to hold it in place.

Shit.

Lydia sat back down in front of her and Josh’s bunk, hoping his scent would help her calm down. She only cried harder, thinking of how much progress she’d thrown away for nothing and how it would tear Josh apart if he found out.

The bus door opened suddenly and in waltzed Tyler. There was no hiding that she was upset, no way to play it off. They weren’t supposed to be back for at least another hour.

Tyler moved quickly to crouch at her side.

“Lydia whats-” he said, touching her arm in an attempt to comfort her but pulled away once he felt that it was wet. A smear of red was painted across his palm.

Tyler and Lydia made eye contact for a moment, and Lydia sobbed even harder when Tyler rolled up her sleeve. He peeled the blood soaked bandages away, discarding them, washing his hands, and wetting down a cloth to press against Lydia’s arm.

He sat beside her. Silent for a moment before he finally spoke, “so this just happened? How long has this been going on?” he asked, noticing the few old slices that intertwined with the fresh ones.

“This is the first time I’ve slipped up in years.”

“Why though? What happened?” Tyler whispered, pressing the towel against her skin.

Lydia let the dam break, letting everything flood out, the phone conversation that had happened moments before and everything she had told Josh.

“my voice just got too loud and I couldn’t breathe Tyler. It was like I was under water, and That was how I used to shut it up. I tried so hard, but I lost and it was for nothing. I still feel like shit and I still feel like it was my fault. Everything hurts just as much as it did before. ”

Tyler nodded. He knew exactly what it felt like to have the voice in your head against you.

“I’m gonna go get Josh, he’ll be able to make you feel better more than I can-”

“NO! Tyler please.” Lydia begged, hysterical at the thought of Josh finding out. He’d be so disappointed –no, he’d be devastated ;   **he would hate her.**

“I just-”

“You cannot tell Josh. Please. It’ll tear him up inside.” She started crying again and Tyler sat back down.

“Come here.” He said, pulling her almost onto his lap. Tyler stroked her hair like he had seen Josh do so many times.

“Shh… okay. I won’t tell Josh, but you need to. Lydia, none of what that jerk said was true. You are not worthless, okay?”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please don’t make me leave.”

Tyler smiled for a moment and only hugged her tighter.

“I’m not going to send you away, but I am going to be checking on you a lot more. You need to be honest with me, Lydia. I just want you to be okay. Lydia look at me.”

Lydia dragged her eyes up to meet the soft chocolate eyes looking down at her.

“Your life is important. It doesn’t matter what he said, it matters what you think of yourself. You were right to leave him and that took a lot of courage.  **You should never hold onto something for fear of being less without it.** You make everyone around you happier and you make us laugh and make sure we’re taken care of. Your presence brightens up everyone’s day, you're like huggable sunshine, we need you. ”

“You guys would be okay without me though.”

“Let me rephrase that; I need you. Josh needs you. I haven’t seen him this happy in a long time, and he’s happy almost all the time. ”

Lydia nodded and laid her head against Tyler’s chest.

“You do need to tell Josh though.”

“Tyler I can’t. I can’t do that to him. He’ll hate me.”

“As Josh’s friend, I can tell you the only thing he hates is bananas. Otherwise, there isn’t a hateful bone in his body. He’ll understand. ”

“Tyler I know you know him better but it’s not that simple. What if you’re wrong?”

“I’m not wrong.”

“How do you know?”

Tyler sighed, giving in. “Because he loves you Lydia.”

“W-what? ” she stuttered in disbelief.

“He loves you. He won’t tell you because he doesn’t want you to give up your life in Virginia, but he loves you.”

“No. Someone as good as Josh couldn’t possibly love someone who's as big of a mess as me.”

“Why not? And he told me himself. The night you helped him with his panic attacks. Josh loves you, mess and all. And Jenna told me you love him too.”

“I do, I love him to pieces. The good the bad the ugly, even though there isn’t any, I want it all as long as its him.”

“Then how can you even think for one second that he doesn’t feel the same way about you?” he grinned, looking smug.

“Can’t argue with that I suppose. I’ll tell him when I’m ready I guess.” She agreed, unsure.

Tyler started singing softly .

_ Now , the night is coming to an end. The sun will rise, and we will try again. Stay alive , stay alive for me… _

He stopped there and they sat in silence for a few minutes.  Tyler and Lydia stood  to properly  bandage her arm up.

“what did you already put on them?” he asked gently.

“just some hydrogen peroxide. Nothing heavy.”

“neosporin is always a good choice. That's what I put on everything, especially when my knees got scraped up on concrete when I played basketball.  Well, I mean I still play.”  Tyler rambled as he spread the neosporin over her wounds, trying to distract her from the sting of it. 

“neosporin doesn't do a whole lot of good for equestrian injuries , though. Usually it’s a contusion or a concussion or a broken bone.” Lydia laughed, trying to take her mind off of what Ethan had said. She failed miserably, hot, angry tears spilling over her cheeks.

“Hey, it’s gonna be okay. ”  Tyler tried to reassure her, wrapping her in his arms once he had finished covering her cuts.  

Lydia held Tyler under his arms, grasping at his shoulders for dear life. She breathed him in, trying to focus on what he smelled like instead of the war of guilt and anger in her head, Tyler smelled like a forest after its rained. Lydia smiled for half a second.

“I’m just so mad at myself, Tyler.”

“For the cutting or Ethan or both.”

“yes? Ugh I can't believe I let myself believe him. I knew it in my gut that he cheated but I didn't listen.  And I fucked up my almost two years clean. It wasn't even worth it. I'm gonna have to go get checked out because god knows what Katarina has or how many people he screwed behind my back.”

Josh and Jenna stepped onto the bus and saw Lydia wrapped up in Tyler's arms. He set down his coffee, or dirt water as Tyler liked to call it, and Lydia's green tea on the counter as fast as possible. He  stepped cautiously toward them.

“Lydia, what happened?”

Her breath hitched in her throat as Tyler pulled away. He was soon replaced by Josh, who shushed her and gently moved them back and forth. Josh had figured out that consistent, repetitive motions , like rocking or rubbing circles on her back  usually helped her calm down.

“Ethan?” he mouthed to Tyler, who simply nodded. 

Lydias phone buzzed on the floor across the bus. Jenna went to retrieve it and passed it back to Lydia who was busy catching josh up. She took it, her eyes red. Guilt was ripping her apart on the inside. The thought that she should tell Josh now crossed her brain as she checked her phone. That thought went out the window and into the ocean as she opened a picture someone sent her. Her phone,  being as stupid as it was didn't tell you who the picture was from until you opened it. 

It was from Ethan. It was a picture of herself,  the day she tried to commit suicide. They had taken photos of the scene when they arrived. Someone was checking her pulse at her wrist, blood coating their gloves. The remaining pills she hadn't swallowed lay scattered across the floor and in the lakes of red that surrounded her. Her head was cut open from hitting  the foot of the bathtub. It was so surreal; it looked like it was some sick staged photo.

She closed It with difficulty and read the message that followed.

**_This is all you are to me anymore. Just a body on the floor. That's all you ever should have been._ **

Lydias hands shook and her phone clattered to the floor again. She covered her face and screamed hoarsely into her hands, mostly air coming out, her throat was so raw. She curled further into Josh,  even as he picked up her phone again. 

Josh saw what Ethan had written, and could tell by the picture, even when It was small in the thread if the conversation,  what It was. 

“Tyler, take this and block Ethans number, delete the thread and block him on all her apps please.” Joshs voice was ice-frigid with rage. 

Tyler took it and his eyes registered the contents on the screen. He placed his hand over his mouth, a tear rolling down his cheek, whether in anger or sadness he didn't know:probably both.

Jenna reached out for Tyler, embracing him. She wanted to help, but wasn't sure how. 

Lydia stayed locked to Josh. Josh finally got a hold of his anger enough to speak.  

“He's wrong. He's so wrong. Listen to me. You were supposed to live. You were supposed to adopt Harley and make him better, you were supposed to be on this tour with me and Tyler and help us, you're supposed to be so much more than anything that jerk could ever imagine. Please, please don't let what he said get to you, you know it's not true.”

Josh was scared, so scared that this would but the event to push her over the edge. He held her tighter and whispered in her ear.

“Please dont leave me.”

She looked up, finally. “Never. I promise.”

https://www.gofundme.com/saving-miss-sue-my-mother


End file.
